Manifesting my life

2003-11-06T11:08:00.000-05:00

Once I come again to you from another location, mentally emotionally and physically and level of understanding through spiritual life...I am residing in Oswego Illinois I have been here two weeks now and I am finding that I am stronger and standing in my power of who I am and who I am becoming. Many insights have come and taken roost in the crows nest. Finding other strengths I had however, never allow to come to my life in the forefront. Taking seed and making a life that is in harmonic accordance...This is where I am at...

2003-10-02T10:37:00.000-04:00

i am such aliar i am back, having gone through the tunnel of slef ception and not living in the now, forcing myself to the future losing sight of today and when the future was not panning out as i had planned it to, i wa left with the now, and had no clue in how to handle the now. Coming to terms and a grip with it, as i sit in my livingroom having brought the computer in here as the phone connection is mud fuddled in there...not a comforable postion to be in right side twisted in a cahir and well ,n never mind on thatr, listening to Boib Dylan,,,to make you fell my love...

2003-09-12T08:57:00.000-04:00

I sit here at my computer this morning reading about a man that has crossed over to the otherside.
The man in black. I read through the paragraphs of his life and career. I once again find a kinship with him for what he has stood for all these years. During this time of reading about Johnny Cash. I feel my Grandmother Issa Mae near me.
All those old lessons form the past about life and struggles and ho one can stand tall and do that which they desire if they believe. If they set out their intentions to the Universe.
As my mind and heart wondered on this journey of the teachings of my grandmother. The Moment was broken when reddish spider dropped form now where and there it was hanging from a thin thread in front of me about 6 inches in front of my face. The two front legs out stretched as if wanting to hug me in my journey of the pain and oppression of many in this life we live.
She suspended herself there for a while and once again I could the teachings. The information was coming so fast...so fast. She then begin her ascension up the fine thread. I was left sitting there thinking about the messages.
There is a picture of my love and I on this computer monitor. The red spider came down again and then landed on this picture walked around it. Then jumped to the desk and walked towards the picture of my daughters and I sitting next to the computer. Directly in front of me is one of those white erase boards that I use for healing requests. The spider made her walk over to that board and climbed up and touched the board.
Directly under that is the floppies for my other two books. One being the Spider and hummingbird. it is here that she has now spun a web and is sitting there observing me as I type this message.
The red spider is now weaving a web by the healing board.
Many people are afraid of spiders and I am at times also fearful of them. Having been bit by two poisonous spiders in my life. One sending me to the hospital in 1989 in Florida and last fall I was bit by a brown recluse. I was blessed when bit by this spider that I did not have the ulceration go so far as some.
I knew that the spider had come to give over her medicine to me and it was me who had to decide what I was going to do with it. Was I to lock myself into fear and fearful of the future? OR was I to take the power of the spider to spin the web in my life, my fate to take hold of it and spin a web that would benefit not only myself but those who I come into contact with.
The doc put me on antibiotics. I then did my thing about the healing and accepting of the medicine.
I went out side and offered tobacco to the spirit of the spider asking that I weave my web in a good way. That I do this in way of love, integrity.
So this morning as I read the headlines about the Man in Black. Grandmother spider shows up.
Her question to me is what is your life calling? What is the center of your life? As she came to show me the important issues in my life and the people of my life, Rob and my daughters Tiffany and Christina and that white board for healing.
Of the late I have been real intense on bombarding my friends of the Internet with prayer requests. I have seen so much healing happen when others take a moment to mention from their heart or even their head another person in need of healing, whether it be drugs/alcohol. Physically healing. I have witnessed it.
I have personally witnessed back in 1998 when I had my sledding accident. How all my friends and healing community pulled together to pray for me. And how I had been told that I may never walk again. And well as for those how know me, they know that I do walk I even run sometimes.
So where is this article going? Back to the Man in Black Johnny Cash.
Taking a long look at this society and seeing all the pain and suffering that is all around.
Is there any reason why this is happening? With all the technology we have these days? We have people starving in the streets, people in need of medical help. People being ridiculed over their beliefs. Why is this happening?
There has been speculation that this has to do with prayer being taken out of school. There is also speculation that we as human and souls have lost touch with what is really real in our lives.
Family values, unity and fellowship.
How long will we continue to ignore the needs of the people in this world? The need for prayer? The nee for fellowship?

2003-09-11T09:24:00.000-04:00

Slept through the night, woke at well jsut before 8 am and made myselkf stay in bed till 8. Woke with one side of nose clogged. ANd what seems to be the start of a sinus headache.
Got my horoschope in the email and it says I will find love at first sight today and that i am to look my best today when i go out. I have been going back and forth about coloring my hair. For some reason it is not the gray that bothers me just wnating some change to happen. Had thought of lightening it or even streaking it. But then think I will put the color on it that i have been over the years just will not leave it on so long. I have a long to do list for the next two days. Plus then I am traveling to Robs to stay friday night then travel into work. No messages from Rob this monring although ind of thought i would not have any as he took his brother to the airport he is going to texas to do some contract work for about 2 weeks.. Spoke with both of my daughters yesterday and had long conversation with Tiffany about pregnancy and that she should take care of herself, maybe by letting go of the job she says it is stressing her out the work and how some of the employees including the owners son treats the dogs at the daycare. The woner doe snot seem to mind that her son has and is abusing the dogs some more than others. ANd as I know Tiffany who is like me concerning animals this will really trouble her. I send out prayers for tiffany to listen to soe of the advice i offered to her last night. It is funny Nick said he had wished they had moved in with me in the farm house when i had asked them to so they could save money. He now sees where I was right and oh well. I told Tiffany I siad honey I only make suggestions that I feel will help you guys out it would be nice if you could find it within you to respect me in my nowledge of life and how things can work better for you. She said yeah I know mom.. Kids!
I have been stenciling bamboo on the kitchen cabintets. Will also put some japaneese language about love an denergy on the cabinets too. Have to go to walmart and make copy of pic of Rob and I that Cyn took at Wompila the pic turned out good. Will frame it for Rob and give it to him this friday as a pre-birthday thing.will close for now and answer some emails then get to what i have on my list...

2003-09-10T08:23:00.000-04:00

Today is the full harvest moon, I plan to do ceremony here tonight. had hoped that Rob would ocme and join me but it seems he is not interested in making the dirve especailly since i am going ot be up in that area this weekend. I guess i understand his reason and i must accept he is not like me nor doe she understands the ebbs ad flows of the energy of the universe although sometimes it would be nice if he did and we could work together on the same page and thought processes.
Rob's birthday is the 20th. He plans on coming down here so he says ont he 19th. I have bought him some flannel sleep pants with tony the tiger on them. And I am also considering getting another tattoo when the money frees it self. want a ring tatooed on my left ring finger, no intials or anything liek that. Sort of a total imbedded commitment to Creator about love allowing love into my life.
I reallu wish that Rob would tkae my advice when concerning his court case, there are areas in life that he does not listen to me and this bothers me in this way he is much like Gary and Ted.
So what is the lesson here. I use to be so independent and now i think about ROb and miss him wach day. Although I have noticed this last week when seeing him it was not as intense but then again i was on heavy duty steroids too. I am finally off of them as of today.
Cynthia snet picture she had taken at Wompila of Rob and I and it is a good pic. I am going ot ake it to walmart and get it blwon up and frame it i also emailed june and asked er to ask marie to send me the hard copy picture of rob and I from sundance so i can make copy of it and frame and give it to rob for his birthday. that picuture ireally nice.well i suppose i best get dressed and head to the doctor...

2003-09-10T08:15:00.000-04:00

as always things happen rather rapidly in my life, as they also do in others. My dreams were troubling last night dreamt that planes were crashinginto home sna etc and also I had a black eye, my left eye was black yellow and green. Today Rob talks to his attorney about court and entering a plea bargain.
I am growing stressed at all this with him and court. He does not wnat me to be there by his side and this unsettles me.
I worked in Indy this weekend, came home to find a plant dumped in my floor and then when going ot bed to dsicover one of the cats pissed on my quilt on my bed. Not sure which one it was. I was so so mad, I am ready to tae them all to the shlepter.
I have my doc appt today about the mass the pain is gone and the mass has gone down so this is all good. Will wait till i have insurance in november and get a mammogram done. Doc seems to think i will be ok to wait that long. so will see what she has to say today.
Rob wants me to come up by him friday night and stay..having hard time leaving the animals so long and with them getting into so much stuff i know they do it cause they miss me and are pissed i am gone. NOt sure jsut yet what to do about this. And my mother would like for me to tak back sapphire and i am having a hard tim eover this. To leave her here for days outside although Rob said he would make a shleter for her and alos watere and feeder i feel tha her life is better quality staying with them for now. So will call her later today and tell her that. I do wnat sapphre back but working and being gone over 3 days is not fair to her.

2003-08-29T08:08:00.000-04:00

Just in 24 hours my life direction has changed in some areas odf my life, i had planned to move in with aperson a woman to help me with the bills, then yesterday i had an anxiety attack and realized that this was a not a good thing, So I reside to stay here another 6 months through this winter.
However, the thought of moving did get me to begin clearing through somestuff i had accumulated. Then i did some reaarraning, well, the trailer is still in disaray..and i got the fancy notion to put my betta in a bootle with a plant and thought i had it secure between plants on my plant table however, i came to find out this morning that my cat Petra got to it and ate jasper for a snack...today i a working till 3 this is good i am getting some hours to work. All is looking good so far...will close for now

2003-08-28T08:20:00.000-04:00

Thoughts rambling through my head, as my head sounds off recoil of those thoughts, manifesting it into a headache and neck ache, what is it that I am attempting to will my way? Waht is it that I am workign so hard towards and feel as though I am banging my head so hard that there is constant thunder about?
Many changes in my life are happening. I have started a new career in some sorts of the word. I have shifted from ill people, mainly old pre-hospice to developmentally disabled people. WEll, one client i am with 72 hours straight each wekk. I live in that home, give care and do not sleep much. The client is said to be mildly retarded with Autism and with no verbal ability. He also is rather manipulative and has a mean like streak in him. Thinking I have him peg will see what happens. I am still working a few hours at my other job here where i live. I actually got more hours yesterday, as they had been only giving me 5 hours spread out between 3 days. Has given thought to giving total notice i would be leaving come next week, then they called with 4 more hours yesterday for me to work. Financially right now I am really really tight, will nto be getting any pay for about two weeks and the omney i have needs to be paid towards bills, however, must save enough for gas for the next two weeks.
And on top of all of this I am moving in with a woman a 2 bedroom house, have my reservations about this, well i have been told she is a thief in all the sens eof the word. So thinking I will portion out my good stuff to people to either babysit or jsut give to them. Once i get in there my bills wil lbe cut more than in half heck the rent and utiliies split will be less than i pay for rent here. I had to give up my dog to my Mother and father and I am so grateful that they took her. Now looking for a homes for my other two cats, do not want to part with them. However, do not trust this person to be nice or not let them out while i am working those days in Indy. I want to trust this woman, however her own family warn me of her, however , in the same breath they say this is a good choice for me to move in with her? Seems strange.
I have so much to do here and once again i have to go through mystuff and condense my belongings to what is really important. Wow that will be a good one. thinking i will put together all the kids stuff from their artwork and contain that in a rubber maid that Rob will bring ing me. then i have these animal enclopedias. I think I will give them to tiffay although she says she well when i was moving ssaid she did not want them. I figure if I give her the small book shlef then maybe... oh so much to do....so i will owrk a total of 1 1/2 hours today then come home and star the task of packing and clearing out stuff, there are some things I can take over to the house where i will be living. I also have to paint the bedroom that is oging to be mine and also Rob's when he comes to stay. Although thinking since i work the weekends he will nto be down as often as I will begin to stay by him on friday nights or tuesday nights. He is coming tomorrow and staying till sunday morning then home to be with his boys. Had hoped he would change it and stay till monday. But hinking this will not happen. I sometimes wonder if I am being played by him, he makes comments that he si going to do this and do that, and for some reason i think another thing will come in the way..i have to get pass this so tha i do not bring that on. We had talked about marriage, now that is not spoken of almost taboo, not sure what is happening with that. Myab ehis fear of getting burnt not sure..but knowing he wants to have the perfect house before we do that, and i think that dream or thoughts is really out there considering all that has to happen, then i am reminded well if this man is your soul mate then no biggie on the time frame you have now found each other, no big hurry...yeah right dealing with human nemotions on a spiritual level, wow that is interesting in that. Seems my circle of friends is being more and more scattered about. recently a good friend of mine moved to tennessee and great move for her very good move she has a tteaching position and also in grad school, also has a love squeeze who ravels great distance to her...all is good for her and i know she is going through alot with her son in the military and all and her other daughter being who she is difficualt at times, then she has here little Angel that keeps her full of surprise and wonderment...what a blessing..
i think of my other firends back in illinios it seems the ones i thought would fade have grown stronger and the ones i thought who valued my/our firendship is waning, imagiane that? well looking at the time i must get going and get ready for my work will in the future unload some more less or more insightful thoughts that ramble in side this mind of mine...

2003-08-22T08:29:00.000-04:00

Once again my life take leaps forward to where i thought it owuld not go bt then again i let go of the reins and let God Go in my life. IN the next few weeks i will be packin gup my bleongings and putting them in storage for a period of time. I will be sharing a two bedroom home here in Edwardsport where i live. The rent and so forth is really cheap and will afford me the opportunity to balance my finaancila situion out. Also to give time for Rob, to mae up his mind if he is going to what he said he wants to do..
I leave for Indy today to work for the next 72 hours. My first shift I will be working in this field of Behavor science. So many changes happening in my life, I just keep on letting go and trusting God in my life and asking ofr continued guidance. At tiems it is hard as I would love to have control over some things, and yes, I do have control for the most part. However, in crucial matters and vital ones, I think it is best to leave that up to GOd.
I have so much to do today. I am working one hour for guardian Angel, then I have much to do here at the trailer and get packed for my work weekiend, plus wondering what i did with the directions nad phone number of the client.
I am feeling more cinfident in life and the choices i have made in the past, seeing that these choices have brought me to a place that will support me not onl financailly however, also spiritually.
WEll, thinking i should get off of here and begin to look for the directions and get some dishes done for I leave for work.

2003-08-16T08:53:00.000-04:00

Well, I slept for about 5 hours but did not sleep the whole itme. My computer is acting weird but i have checked withthe software i have i am not a candidate for the womr virus so not sure what i s up with this. I have so many decisions that i have to make and so many bills to pay and not sure what i shappening in my life. I think, I really need to have a special person help me with this, or do some intense praying. I had thought Rob is hte one for me and i still think this way, but htere is so much drama and seems ot have some empty promises at first he wlaays owuld bring me a rose, then now he has not brought me one, seems since i started drying them he has stopped. We had talked about living otgethe rna dall that is on hold now, not sure what i sup with that either. My cats are driving me nuts with being all over me and Rob is not coming this weekend to visit with me. And that does have me upset, and another thing he made commment about his children he thinks that that is one of the reason that his wife had an affair was that his kids always came first before her. not sure how this will work. at first he said I could store my stuff at his place i had mentioned that I would need a place to store my belongings if i move to steve and gwens for a month and he has not said anything..then last night i was so upset and he kept saying go to bed and you cannot think clearly but he does not realize i was thinking clearly last night, with all tha i face with these hanges and such. Hell my august rent is not paid and not sure i hav eenough money to payy it. will have to go to the bank and see ho wmuch was depsotied in my account as I cannot get my pay stub till monday to know th emaount, plus io owe gwen for the hotel room, but i did get paid back form the offce would be nice to have that money to pay off some bills. i suppose i will know more once i talk to gwen about what she meant about me staying there with them. there is also anothe rpossibility that i could ask Luara if i could stay up in the garage for one month and i could have my stuff there, but htinking they will nto be cool with the cats, well i don't have sapphire anymore so that does release me some to what i can and cannot do..i relaly miss her

2003-08-15T22:52:00.000-04:00

where do i start well first not worrying about spelling or campitaliscxation...well i went up to indy for training took my dog sapphire then took her to my parnets and they now have her, due to my working 72 hours straight right now real depressed, and when i left her in sunday for indy i ran over two of the kittens it was storming and i had put them back under the porch came in to grab my address book came out and got in van and bacekd up and looked the r there were two of them struggling, they ended up dying while i screamed at God for it happening and them supffering...not in good fram eo fo mined fright now...will close

2003-08-09T08:22:00.000-04:00

In 24 hours my life has changed. I had almost but given up in finding employment in the INdy area. I was at a respected elders home. She has been telling me to get into the work that she does. She is a Adult foster home for Disability adults. I finally said ok give me the niumber of your boss. Well, the next day I came to her home. And she had spoken with my now new boss and then we called her. I know have a good job in Indianapolis area. I work Saturday 2pm till Tuesday 2pm. I will earn $25,000.00 a year with benefits kicking in in 90 days.
I begin work on August 23rd. I had originally planned to be in Ilinios that weekend. However, life is about changes.
Now i am looking into a place to live. So for now I will commute to indy on saturday and return home on tuesday. I plan on making my move to indy by October if God willing.
What is holding me up if finding a place where i can have sapphire. I have emailed my ex asking if he would consider taking sapphire for a while. Waiting reply from him. It jsut popped into my head that maybe my mom and dad would take sapphire for a shirt period of time, till i could find a place where i could have her. This breaks my heart and I pray that God helps me find a place where I can keep all my animals and also be able to afford the rent and bills and live comfortably.
Rob has been going through some drama of the late. So not sure where we are at this point. We are together in many ways, however, i am stepping back to let him deal with is stuff. And begin to focus myself on what it is that I am doing.
One is research on Autism. An opportunity to learn more about this disease and brain malfunction as one way of putting it.
Other than that not much to report.

2003-07-28T07:14:00.000-04:00

Been a few dyas since i have written, Rob has been here and it is wonderful to have him here all weekend. He will be staying over tonight and then heading back to indy to work.
It has been a real nice weekend. ANd starting this week off with thunderstorms, it is now raining outside. Had been a nice weekend, we even went to the fair afor about an hour rode the ferris whell an dsome rid ethat swings you p an ddown and then upside down. I have been cooking meals since he has arrived. Although yesterday my sotmach started hurting. I eneded up sleeping for afew hours on the couch and he finished up the dinner, well basically he made the bisquits and cooked the chicken on the grill I had already made the pasta salad earlier in the day.
Today I am back to work in about 90 minutes...it is beginning to really storm so I will close for now and come back at another time

2003-07-25T20:57:00.000-04:00

opps looks like i am a vampire my lips are red and tongue red and if i gather saliva well then it could pass as blood..damn Sarah you are rather sick tonight...thank you Sarah...ok i am done babbling and will get my clothes down off line and hang more and get the room finished. untill my next adventure....
JELLO ALL THE WAY!!!!!!!

2003-07-25T20:56:00.000-04:00

hey i think i am in a good mood. wow wonder why? hmmmm hmmmm mmmm this jello is so good....hehe
hmm thinking it may have to do with a certain someone coming here for this weekend..hmmm what do you think...damn this jello is good ! thinking I will go on a jello diet...yep will lose some weight that way....
dmn i should shower i smell like fish tank bleach...cigs...and well yeah jello! what a combination...lol although i think the bleach has cut out the smell of the green fish tank..damn Sarah those poor fishes...well it seems that are rather forgiving....i think they like their new set up too. more room to swim around...less obstacles...plus i added some very small guppies fo rtheir dining pleasure...sorry mother guppy...well hell there are hundreds of them in my other tank in the living room....two more bites and the jello is gone woo hoo damn this is good

2003-07-25T20:51:00.000-04:00

well hell this is a manifesting blog...so go for it Sarah! nah keeping it g rated for a good time hehe

2003-07-25T20:50:00.000-04:00

jello is almost gone, boy i can think of many things to do with this jello...opps wrong blog hehe

2003-07-25T20:48:00.000-04:00

Friday night sitting home and eating raspberry jello. Waiting on Rob to show up. Well, he will not be here until 10 ish. I have emptied the 30 gallon fish tank cleaned it and filled it and the fish are swimming happily.
been working on my office cleaning and organizing where the hell did all this shit come from?
Damn need a truck to haul it all out...this jello really is good, although i htink i may not have measured the water right, next time will use a measuring cup, but hey it is pretty good.thinking i used too much water...
I have this weekend off and then work next weekend and the weekend next that i am off well i am not i am on call. so will be working for the next month. This is the first day i have not ocme home and slept for 4 hours...i guess i was motivated..seems i was in a sleep funk thing..damn this jello is really good. oh i think i already stated that what the hell this is my blog i can say it as many times as i want to .. hehe
guess what music i am listening too......give up?
I am listening to the best of Bread..remember that band?
easy listening i think they call it all about love and pain and more love and hope...yep that is where i am.. well not the pain...decided no more pain for me so to speak...stay tune as we know i am a woman and you know how that goes lol...why do i have problems typing certian words like just and know, well it worked out then. am i ababbling? sure i am hey this jello is really really good slurp!

2003-07-20T07:41:00.000-04:00

Rob arrived safely, arrived as I was in the shower. I had went out and weed whacked and had grass all over me.
We sat and talked and then my daughter christina called to let me know that She and Gary will be arriving today sunday around 8ish..well this will be interesting as Rob is here till MOnday morning. I am sure I will be blogging on this subject matter..
Rob and i sat and talked then went and had some Za at local pizza place. Then came home and I emailed directions to Chrtistina...
So now have work till 1 then the day with Rob and hoping duaghter does not come here till later tonight...
Rob is up so will close for now

2003-07-19T19:12:00.000-04:00

inbetween blogging i have been hanging out clothes on the line...well the mother cat has been darting out the door and nearly impossible for me to catch her...so I pray to creator as I put those kittens outside that she cares for them...I have never before let this happen and i don't hink i am being cold just looking at what is important and i did not choose to have this cat nor the kittens so in faith i turn them to their environment...I pray for them and will mnake sure she has food to eat and so forth and will check on them daily...

2003-07-19T18:58:00.000-04:00

I have been pulling cards on Rob and I and every time i pull them they come up real good and show that this is to be...why do I second guess my heart all the time...why do I not embody the patience for us to be together in the future and desire that to be now...I have been down so many paths seeking a man partner to love and be loved by.. I have made it clear in many times to many men what I am willing and will offer to thme and this is the first man that is willing to receive and also give to me...so why do I fear this to be fading in time...when i sit here thinking and feeling him draw closer to my home my body tingles and I grow antsy...why is it that i wake at night reaching for him, stretching my nose to catch his scent...this is so funny we tlaked last night on the phone and he is bringing his pillow so that I may sleep with it so that he can take it home to have my scent on it...and I will give him my pillow while here to do the same...he also is bringing his blanket..we are nuts or what...?this is that love the time stands still for...liek that of the movie practical magick.. i put out my prayers one year ago for this man...asking and offering my own flesh for this happen...and now it is here...I had been fooled a few times, i think by my own desire to have a partner in my life...not necessarily the men attempting to decieve me...it was my own self deception willing to settle for less and also shift who i am for them....Rob accepts me as me, all of me. I have shared with him my magic side and he has participated in my native side...he knows of my love for animals..he matches and surpasses my level of passion...he is so generous in all areas of our togetherness.
If it was up to me I would already be in his home living with him for some reason he is holding back and that is probably good and the virgo coming out in him..so that is good that grounding affect in our life..i then bring the fire and intensity of the air and fire to ou relationship...I spoke with his youngest son Cody who is 4 what a precious voice i could hear on the other end of the phone...I looked through the ads for homes in the area he wants to move to and funny as he never said what town he was looking in and i picked up that i shold look at that town...interesting..i sent him the information on those homes, I am sure we will tlak this weekend about all that is happening in our life and where will go from here to there..this I am sure of...he has expressed his growing love for me and his inability to be apart from me..as i have expresed to him also

2003-07-19T18:47:00.000-04:00

Today the kittens opend their eyes and they are hissing at me. Poor little creatures not a clue as to who I am and that through Jay and Julie they have life. And through me they continue to be safe.
There are 6 kittnes two of them white one really white with dark coloring for the ears athe other one is tannish cream ish with dark ears, the rest of them are gray and white.
As I type this blog Rob is on his way to my home. I have been cleaning and purging in my home and I am all now dressed in black...hehe
i worked today and will also work tomorrow till 1pm. Rob is staying till monday I go to work and it is so great cause I do not have to be to my first clients till 9:20-30.
I hav enot heard from my mother na dfather. I sent htem email previous to sundance telling them about sundance. But have not heard anything.
Since this is a manifesting blog. I have some prayers that I want to offer up to Creator and to those who read this rambling of mine. So when they pray they too can include these people in their prayers.
First and foremost I offer up Prayers for a good friend who has come out of an abusive relationship, well really she is my adopted daughter...she is coming to viist me next week...Next I offer up prayers for a dear friend we go way back to the whoring days and drinking days, the days we were sleep walking through life...we now both have woke up and have choices to make...seems she has hit a wall and is in need of prayers for direction and protection of herself and her family... I lvoe her dearly and wish I could twitch my nose and all would be good and bright...I know all will be good for her.. she jsut has to have faith in God/Creator and herself, praying for this...Also my youngest daughter is miving to florida. I pray that her journey is safe and that she finds the focus she needs in this life to pursue her inner goals....I offer up prayers for a friend that has been seeking employment now for over 2 years and has not had a bite. I pray that she finds the place to be in her highest good. I offer up prayers to my oldest daughter as she faces her fears of being all alone in illinois with no family but her son Dylan and partner Nick...I offer up prayers for all those who are seeking in the darkness of thier life...seeking life and it's meaning. I offer up prayers for my partner Rob for he is the light in my life with God and Creator. Protect him and guide him God...may our love conitnue to grow each moment we walk this path in life...this life we live...I offer prayers for my friend who is alone and wondering why it is that she has not gotten her first date...her first kiss, may God/Creator bring to her that which is her highest good..may happiness be hers to dwell and reside in..to a good friend who has been for over a year now been battling cancer, may her battle end and life continue for her in a good and healthy way, that which God/Creator destines...I offer up prayers that I myself have clarity in my life...knowing that which is of my highest good...I ppray that creator help me in mny decisions from day to day. That I remain in a palce of compassion for all living beings on this planet we inhabit....to God/Creator Thank you for the blessings and abundance of joy and hope that you have given over so freely to me...

2003-07-18T21:18:00.000-04:00

It is friday all day. Worked today and man did i sweat. Not sure if I am going through the {thee change or what or if it is finally my body has learned how to sweat. Although I have been wkaing at night sweating too.
Spent the last hour looking at homes for sale on the internet. Sent a couple to Rob to look at. We have not discussed the amoutn of money he intends on having for to buy a home. Maybe should have found that out. Although I have been modest in the amount for th ehomes.
I am missing him much. he was here on Wednesday. Tonight he is with his boys. I think he plans to ocme tomorrow not sure waiting to hear from him.
Seems or it is in the wind that October will be a good month to get married. The date of 10/10 seems to come to mind. He is all for the wedding. The details have to be tlaked about though.
I never thought it possible that I would want to spend my life with another man? I had thought how nice it owuld be had given up pretty much on that dream, then came Rob knocking on my door, I ignored him however, while ignoring him I poured my heart out to him in many emails. and at the same time was pursuing Frank thinking he and I could make a go of it.
coming to find out that Frank helped me open my vault of a heart to love truly form my core.
i miss Rob so much... as i was napping earlier I woke to smell his scent so strong. It was weird as I have changed the sheets. It was like he had walked by my bed and in hurry. I woke thinking I would find him nbext to me.
It is so crazy how we are together, truly like two wolves as we nuzzle each other with our noses and how we posture ourselves.
i know this is real it is now my challenge to be patient and wait for our days to be together each day forward. I just want to pack my belongings and head north towards pittsboro and be with him.
i believe he is prepping his boys for me and what to expect. His brother is so happy for him accroding to Rob. And at work they ahve noticed that he is much happier.
And somehow maybe thorugh my own mouth they know at work that I will be getting married. I cringe as old family ahbits of dis-belief come forward thinking hwo can this be Sarah? I did sit down tonight and begin to write out my vows for our wedding. After i get off of the net I will sit down and then decide who I will invite to our wedding. Our celebrtation. I know for htose who read this blog an dknow me may think that this is way too fast and to me it even seems so...but if you could see us together you wuld know without a doubt this is real really real.
There is someone out there for each of us. and it is the journey to prepare ourselves for them and to grow to the poitn of self love and aceptance and acceptance of that which will be good in our lives.
i pull cards on this and they all are good. I had asked a friend to do a reading for me however, i have yet to receive that reading...so not sure what i sup with that. I know this is real i always want others to say this is real to make it more real maybe...seems the more that is involved and sees this the more it is real and is hapepning. sometimes i pinch myself saying is this real and if it when will it fall? But I know it will not fall.
I am so in love and I love Rob.......

2003-07-17T18:29:00.000-04:00

Been sometime since i have writen much happening in my life.
One the sundance is complete and I am home. Two I have met my partner I have been praying for years to have in my life.
Looks as though as early as This fall I will be moving to indianapolis way to live with ROb.
Rob supriosed me last night and showe up and staye the night and left at 4 am this morning to make it back for work. He is coming back sometime this weekend.
My daughter Christina will be moving to florida i think this weekend I have not heard yet again from her when she will be leaving but then again she is waiting on Gary and well, I had 12 years of that...soooo
I have found myself getting aggitated with my clients here lately. My level of tolerance for them and their lack of caring about themseves and doing for themselves has worn thin on me.
Or maybe i am seeing where I was needy in that department to have them rely on me as they have. And now that I have my Love in my life, that neediness has vanished and i have woke up? who knows?
I am so tired I took a nap did not sleep real sound kind of tossed and turned most of the time.
I have dishes that need to be done and clothes to be taken off of the line. I have along day ahead of me as for work. Plus I am in that 12 day work and off 2 so workign through next friday without day off....thinking i am going to make me some coffee will come back later....

2003-07-13T22:35:00.000-04:00

I am home and while i was gone...there seems to have been an addition to my home. The stray cat that came here had 6 kitens in my bedroom closet. Must be asking how she was in my bedroom closet, well the person on the first watch let her into my ome thinking she belonged in my home.
So my family has grown however, I am trsuting that I will find good homes for them come the first part of September.
I think I have fallen in love this past week. I will know more in the near future and it looks as thought I could be moving closer to my children and my mother..looking towards indianapolis.
I have so much onn my mnd right now and not sure where to start. I sundanced and have much to process and many answers came to me and many shadows came to me. I was however, selfish in my time away.
Rob came to sundance and I spent each moment i could with him aside for my responsibilities. I will have to clue in more on this tomorrow..need to get pillow out of my van and go to sleep....

2003-07-02T16:47:00.000-04:00

ok they did something to this blog page and i am not liking it too well and it is causing some confusion to me and some others i have heard from on this.
So where did i leave off? somehting to do with Frank well he is history so it seems. Too long of a story for even to blog in.
I have so much that i should be doing so I will close this blog and get to doing it..one is making a red dress for sundance..

2003-06-26T10:36:00.000-04:00

well it seems i have lost my posts for the last few days they are re-vamping this sight so...oh well.. I decided to not go to Illinios for the program this year. The money could be used however, the time spent away was not good..so now i must be productive with my time one week and i am headed to sundance and i do feel nervous and excited all roll together...going ot see if this make it to the post

2003-06-23T22:51:00.000-04:00

I had to look at the clock to see what time it is. I think I am growing more nervous and i think Frank is too and maybe he is rethinking about ocming to me? not sure only this time will tell listen to me again going back and forth poh my gosh he is here i heard a call door. he will be entering in here soon....later

2003-06-23T22:49:00.000-04:00

a day has passed and few issues have surfaced I was up till 4 am last night or really this morning. I had taken my pain pills and then found out that they are dervative of codeine which i react differntly fo rme. like dirnking 4 pots of coffee in seconds. I spoke with Chris on the phone for about 2 hours got off of the phone with her about 2 ish. Wrote ofr a while and finally told this body and mind that i had to get some sleep for work. I made it to work and I felt good for the most part, I noticed how much of a bully I can be in a good way with my clients. I ahve confidence in what i do and sometimes that can be dangerous. I did stop into the office and talked with the nurses for th heck of it. It is intersting how they want to speak with me.
i sent an email to frank inviting him over this evening. Well i saw him at Steve and gwens and he said that he would be coming by tonight. and so far he is not here. But i am freshly shaved and lotioned up even my feet, hair shampooed, all nervous knowing that when i am nervous about something i know there is something mystical up about it all.
i had been told there would be delays or disappointment in this wish for him to come to my home and maybe just hold each other for a while. Praying that my moon holds off till mid week.
I had dinner at Steve and gwens they made me a t-bone steak. It was delicious...I wanted so badly to hold Frank and kiss him. I am not sure where this is oging and thinking that we will be having a clandestine affair, not sure, however, i choose to believe that he feels deeply for me. Or he will be coming over to tell me he has reconsidered and feels it is not good right now to pursue our passions or my passions...listen to me here i am typing in a manifesting journal and i am so wishy washie what the fuck what is that you want Sarah?
What do I want I want Frank now and forever, jsut being in his presence and listening to him sing around the drum tonight, it was what sandra bullock would say magical that magick..hehe
I have so many sonders about life and i do enjoy the work i do however, i desire to know and be more knowledgable in my line of work and I ordered a 8x11 hand and foot reflexology chart I should be getting it soon... so wil lbe looking for people to practice on and also can practice on myself.
i get the feeling that Kevin and Jeanne for some reason know that Frank is suppose to come here and they are holding him up or with that he may also go home and shower. At least i hope he does and if not i accept him as he is. Just the thought that tonight yes tonight I will be held by a man that I respect and look up to.
Last night he and i went to the nursing home to spend time with the medicine man's mother, he and i sat next to each other on the floor and massag her feet for one hour and 15 minute then we together took her for a walk...when we left he kissed her so ever gently on the forehea. when i went ot massage her feet today when i had a break between clients she made mention of his kiss and i chuckled and said yes he is a good man.
Tonight while at Steve nad gwen's the newspaper photographer was there to get pics of Steve for the article Laura wrote about him and also intereviewed me in this news article due out this wednesday. WEll they brought out the drum and and Frank and Jheri an dkevin began to paly at first i was not invited to the drum then Jeanne invite me to be there.. I went andstood behind Frank and danced and sang along..It seems that he took many pics and i really want ot be in the pic that makes the paper. Call it ego or whatever. I want ot be seen jsut like i want to be held...

2003-06-22T20:32:00.000-04:00

Ok spent the day not intending to be at Steve and gwen's. But that is what happened. Got there at 10 ish and went into sweat with cotton balls in my ears and i think a little still buzzed, had feast went to get more drugs and came back and then Frank and I went to the nursing home where Steve's mother is. Frank and i massaged Deloris's feet for about one hour and 15 minutes, then we walked her to the sunroom and i convinced her to eat more..and sought out a peanut butter sandwich...then we took her back to her room. Frank and i then dorve back to steve's and gwens...Frank is doing the task of telling the people he will no longer being staying with them. I let him know that if he wanted to he could come by me for the night...so what will be will be....got home and took me some pain med and antibiovtic damn i can never spell that word!
drinnking my vanilla nut cream DECAF coffee...thinking of a bath and hanging out in front of the tv tonight....

2003-06-22T20:28:00.000-04:00

Peace must come to the world through you and as you. This has been the foundation of everything we have learned till now, and it will remain so. You are not separate from the Peace you give, and that is why you cannot offer it to another without receiving it yourself. Let this be the day, then, that you choose to have everything you deserve.

You deserve so much. Why do you think I have been so patient with you? Now you must be patient with yourself, and with everyone I give to you. I will offer more and more souls for you to love and transform, for that is now the role you must fulfill. It is the next step in your mastery, and in your enlightenment. This is not a static charge I give, but one that must be given and shared. That is how you will stay awake, which is all that I ask. If you are awake then you will perceive everything that happens around you as God perceives it. If you are asleep then it will be impossible for you to know what anything really is. To love something you must be able to identify it clearly. If you see only the shadow, you will misidentify what it is.

I am standing right in front of you this moment. See me clearly, in Perfect Light, and know that I SEE you. That is the gift you will receive and give. It is the only thing that is left NOW.

Brother

James of the Emissary of Light

2003-06-22T10:42:00.000-04:00

i must say my opnion of Good Samartian hospital is a good one. Although i Have only experienced the hospital once and that was at 3 am this morning. My ear had been like leaking, well for some time.. i figured it would work itself out, or maybe it was symbol of the crap that i listen to LOL..well the stuff got to ne more an dmore and became crusty over night almost closing the ear opening in my left ear {now here I go the left ear, the ear that hear messages, is now crusting over} well I woul dclean it all out... I then starting putting some tea tree oil on a swab and dabbed it on the area of the entry. The doc said that helped staved off this infection...well for the last 3 days my ear has been hurting oh my god big time and the area was swelling and also apin radiating in to my jaw and neck. Well no sleep for me. I decided i had to have something done by a real doctor...lol
So i wnet in the hospital and the doc looked at my ear with his eyes and said yep then tuged on the top of ear so that he good put the lightscope in there and I almost screamed and he said well you have swimmers ear, he checked the other one and siad it was at beginning stages. But the left one was advanced and was srpsied I had not come in sooner.
So the nurse came in and gave me s shot of steroids, damn that hurt or about 3 hours...no kidding, that shot was to hlep bring down the swelling. Then the doc came in and put what they call an ear wick in..no not ear wig. lol but ear WICK in my left ear and filled it full of liquid medicine. They were oging ot give me a shot for pain as it seem the doc and nurse both have had this once and they said you must be in pain...I siad well yes why would i drive in here late at night and be subject to a couple hundred dollar bill?
They gave me script for pain and antiboictics. they gave me the ear drops form there and one pain pill. they said for me to wait till i got home to take it..well halfway home i decided to open my piss warm pepsi that has been in my van since I was in illinois..hmm that was in may... well i took the pill and asI pulled down my road i felt the euphoric transformation...ahhh how apporpiate to manifest such a painful thing in a time that i have been wanting to smoke a joint...and i might add i have been real good and clean for a long time now...i even have a small amoutn her and have not touched it or even been tempted till the last few days...now i have a cotton ball in my left earand my ear is numb lol...body is oozing all about...woo hoo I am buzzed.. now I think I will go help get some people off of the hill, wel i am not buzzed now i took the pill about 5 hours ago and it wears off after 4 hours...so no need to worry about my driving abilities....damn it is itching well going ot head to the pharmacy and get my drugs and then mosey over th\o the MM home...will update you later on my saga of the Dutch man/Eagle Dancer

2003-06-21T22:43:00.000-04:00

so many ripples flowing through me.. like that of a head of hair that has been braided wet and left to dry and then undone. They at first had form and design and beauty, they are now released and go the different dirrectios as time and wind take hold.
This is what I feel.
I prepare a joyous feast, the orast was great and funny as I was told that there would only be a few people there and something otld me to buy 6 lb roast and 5 pounds of potatoes and 3 lbs of carrots...well it seems that 16 people showed up form a university...so good thing i followed my guidance. then as i ewas preparing th emeat and potatores and carrots in the pan already had breaised the meat, the elder woman said are you going ot cook those potatoes anc carrots with the meat, they will turn ot mush. Well I lost my power and thought hmmm maybe she is right although in the past over the 20+ years i have never had this problem..then i said to myself ...self don't worry continue to put love into your food.. and all was good and you know the meat was so tender it fell apart and the potatoes were solid and so was the carrots hmm imagine that!
now that i have fed many people and then cleaned up after them...I get form Frank what do I owe you? I had to laugh...and of course he could not have talked ot me in priovate but says this in front of 20+ people...i think i realy wanted him to say I love you Sarah and thank you for doign all that you have done. I said to him...you owe me nothing..my gift to you...blessings..then he said well see you tomorrow well maybe not...that is how I left...maybe maybe not
Am i too fuckin sensitive????????? am i too fuckin insecure????????what would i expect or did i have expectations??i am sur eif i write long enough the shadow truth will come out...always does damnit! well i am not going to write long enough for it to come out..fuck it going to take a bath and go to bed alone..this makes hmmmabout 2,000 nights alone now...hell what is another 1 too fuckin crazy

2003-06-21T07:59:00.000-04:00

Ok so it is saturday and all is good. worked yesterday and after worked headed to sTeve and Gwen's and found that Frank was going on the hill. I borrowed a dress from Gwen, and participated, I pulled the stones for the sweat. We then tooki him and 2 other people and palced them in their spots. Then we sata t the house and talked about paitning th eyoung cow with glow in the dark paint and putting a buffalo head on it rear and then sending up to them on the hill late at night. We were rolling laughing so hard at jsut the thought. Heheh
Franks comes down off of the hill around 4-5 tonight, I am preapring a feast for then, I do not think Frank had put anything together, an dif he did well we will have more to eat anyway. I plan on preapring roast beef, potatoes carrots, gravy and bread.
Will pick up the food to cook when i get off of work at 12:30 then take it to Gwen's and put it in the oven. All will be good.
i sat and talked with steve for a bit last night, he ws so tired he just drove in for 14 hours from west virginia he has been there all week doing prison work. Building lodges for the native inmates. And taking them through ceremony. time ot get ready for work...later

2003-06-21T07:23:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed how a baby takes its first steps? The baby pulls
itself up, on say, a coffee table leg, slowly edges along the table,
then, venturing away from that solid grip for the first time, tumbles
to the carpet. Now, that baby doesn't say, "I knew it! I knew I'd never
be a walker. Other people walk, but I guess I'll be carried around the
rest of my life." No. There's something in that infant that recognizes
destiny. Falling down is not the end, but the beginning. Are you
allowing a stumble in your life to keep you from your greater destiny?

-- Mary Manin Morrissey

2003-06-21T07:22:00.000-04:00

The spiritual experience ebbs and flows, floods, dries up completely.

The spiritual energy is constant. My experience changes every day.

The difference in me today is not that I have been thoroughly cleansed into
a paragon of spiritual virtue. Rather, when I get life all over me,
splattered and messy, I know how to get back to the center.

The map is a small dot on a big piece of paper. The still point.

That's where the dirt falls off all by itself. Magically, I am cleansed.

I can stand at the sink and scrub and scrub. "Out damned spot!" And never
get myself clean.

But if I simply become still, sit and wait, there is a miraculous,
incredible, unbelievable process that happens. I don't understand it.

When I become still, still in my body, in my thoughts, my desires, the
electromagnet of ego gets turned off and the problems I have drawn to myself
float away, dissolve. Then the deeper calm and stillness surrounds me,
comes into me.

That opens to the divine. What flows from that is the miraculous part. The
calming is wonderful, but it's only the doorway.

It's a lot of work to maintain the wall of illusions with which I fool
myself. When I stop doing that work, the walls slowly tumble down.

There's a lot of inertia in the wrong ideas we have about reality. It shows
up most often as fear and the spinoff defensiveness and anger that flow so
naturally from it.

Don't fear letting go of even the good things. The positive things will
return. The negative things will dissolve and eventually go away
completely.

Accept the flow. Trust the future. You've come this far, and that's a
miracle in itself.

-- Eman8tions
Copyright © 2003 by John MacEnulty

2003-06-20T07:47:00.000-04:00

well i think i am due at my frist clients at 9 am... not sure, but do not want to get dress to go out to my car to find out, thinking i really should do this. thinking ok I will do this be right back.....yep first client at 9, work till 2:45 thena break till 5 pm, then work till 7pm.

2003-06-20T07:41:00.000-04:00

Another day has traced by us. The clock ticks away the minutes and hours, our worry losses us in the now. Our dreams bring us hope. Our hope bring us joy, our joy brings us closer to ourselves.
I find I am catching myself more and more in the avenue of what if, and when and how it could be. When right then I could be in place of peace, happiness and joy and most of all love. Feeling that moment. Drinking it up like I have not had a drink in days maybe even years.
It is that touch of a hand, that sends us reeling hopping into the future of what can be. Losing the now, the true feeling, the vibration of the touch. The playfulness of a tickle. To give in and allow oneself to feel the inner joy that is brought on by the tickle, the tingle, the stop don't stop. Cause you know as long as they are touching you in this playful manner it is their desire to do so. Taking down those walls and barriers, and opening the gates of true feeling on all levels.
Was reminded of the movie Powder if you have not seen this movie my suggestion is that you watch it and if you are have seen it I suggest you see it again and pay close attention to the scene at the fair....

2003-06-19T07:42:00.000-04:00

I took a mental health day yesterday from work. I got something's done that needed to be done and more than I expected. Upon seeking out a lawnmower to cut my grass Kevin brought their lawnmower over and I cut the grass, he noticed that I was out of sorts and offered to do a sweat to help me. So, I went back to their home and helped build a beautiful fire with 7 large stones. I made prayer ties of the altar. I prayed and then 6 of use including myself went into the lodge. When it came my turn to pray it all came out. I cried and cried and cried so deep. After the lodge was over I set out to burn my ties and was told to walk away form those who choose bicker over silly stuff. And to speak my heart to those I have need to.
Something magical happened. Frank had been in the lodge and it felt weird to have everyone pray for me. His pray was so heartfelt and origins and I really saw what he was attempting to convey to me and to all.
After we ate. I went out on the screened in porch and sat Frank came to join me. We talked, we talked about all the issues. I shared with him how I did not want him to leave. And also shared with him that my attraction for him is not waning but waxing.
Frank said to me Sarah you give all of yourself to everyone, all your gifts that you have are accepted and know this, even if they are not they are expected and respected by me. I said Frank that is all well and good, however, I give to them, I give love and nurturing, and I am hunger to be cared about and nurtured not in the same fashion that I care for others. I am tired of being alone. He said Sarah I am too. He asked me what is that you want when you speak of being cared for. I said a partner to share with, he said I can and will do that, I said I want to be held, he said I can and will do that and I am a good hugger...I was being blown away he said he would be whatever I needed, I asked him you will a he said yes. I wanted to at the moment climb upon his lap and kiss him
I could not sleep last night for thinking of how much my joy and happiness is enhanced with knowing he to desires to share with me as I desire to share with him.
Last night I thought why did you not ask him to come home with you? I thought about it and came to this reason, in time it will be and I will not rush into as to spoil the pureness of us.

2003-06-18T08:11:00.000-04:00

well i made the call and I am taking amental health day today. Already have the washing machine going and the bed stripped and 1/2 changed. figures i am doing laundry and it will probably rain suits me for taking a mental health day. Oh well. will do what i can do. My trialer is in need of a good cleaning, I have been oding a superficial pickup of it for weeks now so time to shift things around and i also watered the plants going to mop all floors with tile and vacuum....if i can find a lawnmower i may get the grass cut or use a weed whacker to do it. Will head to linton later to look at tents and put one in layaway for sundance, along with a good chair to sit in. maybe a good pad to sleep on too, will need to be as comfortable as I can be to get good rest.
I also have some pouched i need to make for next week while i am teachingat heller nature center two day gig. Plan on leaving around noonish on wednesday and returning late on friday. two day gig will net me 500.00 minus my gas and food, so about i am thinking 400.00 enought to pay rent and get tent out of layaway lol... well best get off of here and get this mental part of myself healed lol

2003-06-18T07:29:00.000-04:00

Not sure what i am agoing to say this morning. Much has happened over the last few days. However, they seem irrelevant to now. Or not important to mention, or I col dbe too lazy to share the information. It all concerns work and clients. So thinking I will focus on something else for now, less you think my whole life is nothing but work. shhhssshhh it really is nothing but work and spirituality.
Frank called last night and came by for a visit and he brought Hilda who is from belgium she had wanted to give me gift for supporting her while being on the hill.
We had anice talk last night. Upon their departure Frank hugged and kissed me on the cheek again.
A friend of mine shared a tarot reading she did. There are so many ways she and I are parallel. My heart goes out to her. When I met this woman to this day she has grown so much and woke up to self responsibility of life and so forth. And now that she had woke up the lessons of letting go of those who wil only drive andbring her back to those years is in her face. I pray for her and her children. At tiems like these with friends I wish there was more I could do.
I have decided I am going to wait to go to school when i can get finanacial help. I have way too much happening right now and the money is not available at this resent time.
I have sundance starting on july 9th -12 and well I will be in purification from the 5th of july till we dance. Getting nervous and scared shitless. I have my dresses and such now I have to go out and get myself a tent to camp in. I have the sleeping bags and the little camp stove. Need some chairs also. I best get my ass in gear over this and be more organized.
I am hoping that some of my friends will be there for support but do not want to ask them as that is a big responsibility to do that. Also have to figure out way to mark off area for my campsight. Frank said he would help me out with that since i am working all these weekeneds up to sundance.
I have been talking with a man that lives near indianapolis and it seems he is reacting with so much hope that he and I will be one. Reminds me of me all these years in meeting or talking with possible men i could date and maybe find life time happiness and hugs with. I am find myself backing off, looking at so many excuses this and that and so forth.
Which takes me back to a reading i got about two men in my life and that one is being decietful and the other is my best choice. And the one i am giving the most sttantion to is not the one. and the one i am picking part is the one. damn! is your head spinning like mine?I have one hour till i leave for my first client. This is I think is the first morning that I have not wnated to work. That is a danger sign. I am wanting to stay home and do what I do not know. I am tempted to call in. What is this all about? I should be grateful i have a good job, well i am grateful just thinking i am tired or need a break in some way, feel like something in my life is about to change drastically. My grass needs to be cut, tall again. I think I will call in today and take amental health day and examine what is happening and not happening in my life....

2003-06-16T08:18:00.000-04:00

WEll, i have 30 more minutes to ramble on till i need to get dressed and head off to work. I seem to be more tired than usual this morning. I was in bed by midnight. and got 6 hours lseep however, so interrupted it was with waking. Got a zit coming in on my right side of my face in the crease of my chin, put some tea tree oil on it. Figure with that and then tanning today should dry it up.
My fingernails are getting long, long enough to goulge people so will tonight sit and file and shape them, wanted to polish them but everytime i do i end up doing something before they are complately dry and then the polish gets messed up.
I watched practical magick last night. Not sure why maybe because nothing was on tv worth watching and just wanted to take myself ot a place of romance and etc who knows...
oh oh almost forgot when we had taken the three people off of the hill one of the ladies ended up standing next to me in the circle with her pipe. I was the second one to smoke from her pipe. She then informed me that the stem of that pipe came from the sumac on the land that i lived on in dekalb. I was blwon away, the stem ws carved in a spiral design and talking with stve about it he said it is like a boomer rang and i said yes yes how strange

2003-06-16T08:05:00.000-04:00

This man his name is Kevin and he keeps telling me that there is a good man out there with my name on his heart.and to not settle for less. That happiness will come to me, jsut hang in there. Well, I have been hanging so long i think my arms are longer now. lol
speaking of hanging have not heard from Ted. It is intereting when i open up to him and he begins to open he then does one of the those disappearing acts he is so famous for. Of course he will show up to talk when needding his ego libido ego stroked that is.. I figure now my arms are too long to stroke that ego...
Sundance is fast approaching i have my dresses however, need a tent..so will go to walmart today and see what i can come up with. I figure instead of bringing a large hawk fan into the arbor i will bring a few feathers form the hawk and also the Crow with me. Also will need to make a sash or actually two fothem for my shawls and also need to get a bunch of red materail for the tobacco ties and also the head piece and arms and legs.
Getting real nervous about the dance. Spke briefly on that with Frank last night told him i am afraid and he said that is good and we all who are dancing shouldbe afraid as this is not a sport or such well he did not say that but supported and stated that the fear is real and part of this and it is good that i am fearful and that i will be fine out there. bathroom break...be right back

2003-06-16T07:59:00.000-04:00

I was watching myself as I spoke with Rob, last night my judgements and also some flags coming up. He drinks and when he does it is one of those where he cannot stop that night. That is a big flag for me. Although he states that he is feeling the change in his life and he feels i have helped to propell it. Not sure about this. Although the carnal side says play have fun, what the heck let him come here let a man attempt to give you attention and tlc.
The most flirting attention i get is form a another friend who is married and a nice looking man. I have no desire and i am not stating attraction nor do i think he is atracted to me it is that brother thing that is happening. His wife is awesome and smart and intutive. And I value our friendship and I am not a woman who likes to persue a married man that option is not open and it is not being presented either.

2003-06-16T07:55:00.000-04:00

Last night the client that i was to get her prescription for was not home. Sooo...
Well, it is another day and seeing somethings and not seeing some things. I found myself waking many times during the night. Not sure why I know one time it was due to needing to cough but could not cough. Maybe i swallowed a spider or something like that. They say each person eats one spider in their life while they are sleeping. Maybe last night was my night?
My left inner ear has been draining. Not sure what is up with that. I had been putting teatree and lavendar oil in there and it seemed to clear up. I stopped doing it and now again it is draining big time. So back to the tea tree and lavendar solution. I am working till 6 tonight. With an hour break in the middle. Will go to tanning during the break.
Frank came by last night to pick up essences we talked briefly, I could tell he was on edge or something he did not seem to settle back and relax. Oh well, he astayed maybe 30-40 minutes and right after he left about 10 minutes Rob caled and we talked for about one hor or more on the phone.
We are looking ot meet next weekend if he does not have to work. I am working oshort hours on saturday not sure about sunday, due to no schedule till this friday.
My dreams were all over the place last night. SOme about work and how I would dress and another was about itimacy. Which was strange cause at first I was going to have intimacy with a female freind atempting to create in a odd way. Then a buffed guy showed up and i said to the firend well let's do it all three of us. She was all for it we then shared with im our plans he seemed all about it. He then and she then in a fit of passion started kissing. He then turned to me and said I am sorry but I cannot be with both of you so I choose to be with her. I was so upset and angry. I stood back as they got in bed and did the nasty so to speak. I kept thinking to myself when will it be my turn to be held by a man? Why is that I am always rejected and turned away and turned down? Especailly by the men i am attracted too. In real life i have some men who are interested in me however, they aren ot at this point what i am attracted to . I even find myself fading in concerns for Frank. I feel it is best to back off and move on. When he speaks he speaks not of us or even doing anything together, so in that is his way of saying he is not interested. I still find myself desiring to help him. Although yesterday when i came home to take a shower and i arrived back at steve's I had not gotten out of the van and he was there, saying at my van door he needed my help and expertise in dreams.
We walked and talked and he shared his dream, and we sat on a swing i went over the dream and what i perceive it to mean. I felt such a large amount of compassion for him. I was rubbing his back, but could still feel the ice that he has become in certain areas. He reached over and patted me on the leg and then hugged me and we got up and went ot the giveaway blanket.
So taking a step back ans seeing what is happening and not happening in my life.
I am waiting for my friend Toni to send me information about a home in Princeton on 42 acres. I have already looked down in that area for work and it looks promising.
I shared the infomraiton with my friend Maria and wil lbe keeping her posted as she is in need of hlep in her life with living expenses and such. Not sure what will manifest at this point, and I do not want ot think i know what will be, I have nearly creashed myself in the past over what i thought to be and found otherwise.
I have noticed the last few days i have been having urges to smoke pot. It has been a long itme since i have done that. And wondering why is it that i am desireing this now? I know in the past I have done this craving thing and partook, but I know this is not of myself to be and do this for my highest good.

2003-06-15T19:31:00.000-04:00

well i am going over to a clients to pick up her prescription and prescription card so when in vincennes tomorrow i can pick up her meds so best do that before she goes to sleep will wirte agian in the furture..........

2003-06-15T19:29:00.000-04:00

I have been selected by the office where i work to give care to another person in need and guess who i wil be giving care to? well guess you will never guess.ok ok I will tell you I am going to be giving care to the Medicine Man's Mother. I start on tuesday. He is relieved that I will be the one who is going in there. I do hope that this brings some form of relief in his life that she will be taken care and brought back to stand on her own feet.

2003-06-15T19:27:00.000-04:00

Have you noticed that most of my entries have many typing errors, there are some days i get anal about it but as you can tell those are few and far between. It seems i am not writing this blog for others but myself and in those typing errors are the parts of me. Not perfect in the human form however, brillantly bright and shining in the spirit form.

2003-06-15T19:26:00.000-04:00

3 sweats in less than 24 hours! a fast and furious weekend. and this is my weekend off..now need or not need wold like to have a few days to just sleep. Sleep was not on my agenda that weekend well i thought it was..however this universe is all about change and that also can aply to change of plans LOL
I have met well not really met this man but he is form match doctor, and it seems that he is so he says "falling for me, tha ti have pushed away the ashes and blwon upon the cosl of his passion and ignited him into thought" hmmm interesting, this is what i desire of another, to enhance me in my life and i in his life.
He had wanted to mee this weekend. However, I felt it more important to be at Steve's for the lodges and supporting and helping.
I have been going to tanning for the last week, and damn my bottom is a little on the crisp side..been coating it with lotion in atempt to stave off the peel process.
Figured i best get my tan going so that I will not burn while sundancing, or altelast not as bad.
Waht more is there to say? I am sure i can babble along and say not much and then maybe i could push out an insight or two for myself. Seems i am tired even thought i took about a 3 hour nap today.
I have been talking with a frank a lot and need to watch my attachment in that area. right now he is going through some intense stuff with atempting to find work and also knowing that his tourist visa is up after sundance. He is ocming over tonight to get an essence to help with the shift and hter eis a part of me that desires so much to hold him and be held by him. He knows that i am atracted to him in a such a big way for I have told him so. WE have shared how we are fearful for sundance this year..a good fear. Frank is from Hoi\lland and is a Eagle dancer, which means he is attached to the tree for the fourdays only released to go to the bathroom. No tent to sleep in nothing out there in the middle with 3 other men. He is pierced on the first day and remains connected by wooden pegs to a rope that is attached to the tree tunkshila. On the fourth day the eagle dancers then pull themselves free from the pegs and the tree.
Big commitment yes it is.
So what else is happening down in these part of woods. I feel a big change happening for me and it is a change that will prpel me even furhter along in my life. I pray that I will stay out of my own way int his change and that I allow myself the key word here is allow myself to shift and change.

2003-06-11T22:17:00.000-04:00

I have not been held and nurtured in about 8 months and when that happened it was not attentive care to me, more carnal pleasure...God if you are listening and i believe you are..guess what ? I am ready!

2003-06-11T22:16:00.000-04:00

I was told today by one of the nurses, that I will have naothe rnew client this makes my 3rd new one this week. And the nurse has selected me cause i give good care and this is her mother....damn what have i gotten myself into???I am already taking care of one of the other nurses aunts...I am good at what i do and i care about my clients and maybe just maybe i get attached and go over the line of emotional attachment but How can i not???

2003-06-11T22:14:00.000-04:00

I am in need of a back rub big time.. i need and want to have my back rubbed and feet rubbed. God when are you going to bring my partner to me? I am surely ready not just for back rubs, however someone to share my life and their life togehter..really God I am ready!

2003-06-11T22:12:00.000-04:00

I then went to my 2 o'clock client now i am on my 5th client of the day. No major drama here. Came home for a short break and then headed for next client, And then was home at 9 pm....long long day for me

2003-06-11T22:11:00.000-04:00

now if this drama was not enough today. the previous client i had before the other, I had to say good bye due to his benefits stopping. That was hard this man will be 93 on july 2nd. Then after the incident with the client, I went to the office and spoke with the D.O.N and we had a case conference. I left there to go to my other clients. When i arrived i noticed she seem aggiatated. I took her vitals an dher blood pressure was real high.. I waited and took it again still with the same results. She then was complaining of pain in her left shoulder I then called the nurse and reported my findings only to find out form that client that the night before she had chest pains radiating into her shoulder. The nurse called her doctor and then an ambulance was called.
My client was not too cooperative, untill I used her own words back at her. She is always saying Sarah you are so smart. So I said well you say I am smart so don't you think maybe oyu should listen to me? Well, she no longer argued with me. And the ambulance came andpicked her up.

2003-06-11T22:06:00.000-04:00

Here is the scoop in my life thus my work. I spoke with the clients. I then decided I would have myself removed from this client. As only to keep this situation from propelling and getting volatile not on my part however, on the woman's part.
So, I Told the client this morning that I was requesting to be removed as his primary care taker, and I stated to him why. He was upset and said this is not right. I said well..I know however, I do not percieve this changing in a very near lifetime. And to be professional about this, since this woman is his partner or live in whatever, I see that in the best interest I step out. That I am an adult and will behave as one.
So, when i arrived she was not in the bedroom she was hiding out in her daughters bedroom stating to my client that way she would be out of my way. Ok cool by me. Then upon attempting ot cook him breakfast her daughter proceeded to make sure she got in my way as muc as possible. I was very nice and cordial and said excuse me. she said nothing and continued to be disrespectful. Then the nurse came later and the woman stated that i came in there last night yelling at her and Andy. The nurse of course knew this to be false in all pretense. I then stated to the nurse now you see why it is important that i step away.

2003-06-11T07:01:00.000-04:00

Ok time for a shift and i think the preverbial shit will hit the fan. And i may have stepped out of my authority in an area of my job. However,to me I must face that which is what some call deceitful and evil and malicious.
You have heard me ramble on about the people and th elevel of awareness in this area I live. And how at times it can and is challenging to remain in the heart and yet not let my compassion and empathy be turned to a point of being stepped on and used.
One of my first clients, he has MS. Well, atempting ot make this story short but I am thinking that will be challenging. He had this woman move in with him. This woman is also a client of us. The man had asked me about the situation and i offered good sound advice. He then went against my advice and allowed her and her two children to move in. No problem, or I thought no problem. It seems this woman has it out for me. Why would she well, here is why. Before she came there, things were some messy there and there were times that things were chaotic, however the other tow people that lived there i could go to them as an adult and say hey, clean up your messes. And ofr th emost part they would for about a couple of weeks.
Now with this person here, I walk in every morning to a house that is destroyed. Making it almost impossible and damn right frustrating to give care to my client in the alloted time I m to do so. Well, having known about this client and how she and her two children live, well this is the way they live. Well, I made comment that the children should clean up after themselves. Ok now let me tell you the children are 16 aqnd 17. Well, this woman made mention to the nurse that I was being mean. I was not..so the nurse came and told me to watch what i say and kind of walk on eegg shells cause the only reason this woman has not requeste me out of there is because the man i care for each morning really likes me and the care i give him. Well , I told the nurse I am not going to stop it is their responisiiglity to clean up after themselves and there are so many hazards within that home, not only to the occupants but also to us nurses assistants that come in there.
So on my way home i decided i would go have a talk with these two people. And i did talk with them. And I know now that this will be turned around, however, you know it is ok. Turned around in meaning that what i was said will be twisted and turned and etc. Why did i put myself in this position..well, I am not sure, however, I am not fearful..I am being me and standing in a place that is me.

2003-06-05T07:48:00.000-04:00

I am attempting to remember my dreams and not doing so well this morning. I woke around 5 ish and made myself go back to sleep till the cats woke me up. Although it seems i wake many times during the night. What is waking me I am not sure. For work today will be a short one in comparison to other days.
Last night i was visiting with friends. Was guided to stop by after work with intentions of only staying a short period of time. Which lead into 5 hours. Other friends were there visiting from martinsville. By the end of the evening i had been summoned to a private room. Not sure what it was all about but soon to find out. I was asked my opinon on something of importance to another. That wa san honor to have been asked to share. And what I got was in alignment with what was happening in their life. Once again Creator God talking to me and guiding me and me the self was listening, and being faithful and following through.

2003-06-05T07:40:00.000-04:00

I have aken the steps to get mysel fon the road to admissions to college. I have went back and frotha nd then set up something to the creator and self in my choices. I am apllying to college to get my ceritificate as a paramedic. The classes start in August. NOw comes the manifesting part. It looks as though I will manifest the monies to go to college, the sum is 2000.00. I trust that i know my heart will and does welcome to gradaution of soul and the Universe is cooperating with this change thus aiding me in manifesting the monies for school.

2003-06-04T06:13:00.000-04:00

Woke this am at 3:33 am I heading for another cycle of time and sleep change? Work is work and I am OK with it. I have some good clients and are very fortunate too. A friend of mine that works for the vincennes sun times interviewed me on my thoughts of Steve and also the sundance ceremony. Will be good to see my name in print again. Not in an ego way. However, to get my perceptions out there for the others to see. Some recognition also is good.
I still stand at this cross road, looking back at my past and disseminating information from it. Looking o the future and not sure where and what I should do. Have contacted the university about going to school and getting first my LPN and then my RN. I have my fears that go along with this. The testing part and placement and SAT's. So will see how far I go with this one. There is that part of me that wants to move bak to Illinois and there is that part of me that feels I should stay here. So confused at times. I think if I go back I will have time with my children and possibly Ted and I can begin again in relationship.
There seems to be a lot of focus on having a relationship and a partner. I am tired of being alone and then again I like having no one here when I come home, how contrary is that?
I have friends coming in this weekend, They both have been here before to visit me. Actually Meredith and Kim and Julie are the only ones who have made the journey to visit me. Interesting. I look forward to their visit. Although I will be working during their visit my work load is not all day there are some breaks so this is good. My finger nails are growing, I started taking zyban a while back and never did let go of the smokes but did let go of biting my nails so that is a plus. I now polish them and I feel good about my hands. I have them painted or polished a mocha sorta color. I gravitate to earth tones when it comes to my nails..not a bright red nail polish type of person. I got a reading from a friend..and it supports what another reading has told me.. however I am somewhat confused about it I am sure it will all come into focus once I become more clear in my head. I have a program in Illinois at the end of June and a part of me does not want to do it well for one as I need to make the red pouches for the children. Need to seek out a sewing machine make the job easier so they say work smarter not harder.
This week I will not get a check from work. So will have to budget and I am holding onto my bills to pay them later this week. Having gone to Illinois like I do I loose work and the money I made there was spent for Christina and the party. So this next trip there I will be more frugal.
I have been eating better and taking time to fix myself food to eat that is not microwave or junk food so that is a plus. Last night I stopped after work and bought myself a steak and fixed it was so good been along time since I have had a T-bone. and parts of me wanted to feel guilty for spending 3.00 on a piece of meat, but that I something I must get over..time to take care of myself no one else will.
I am going to smudge the area around the trailer now that this place is truly mine with the travel trailer gone..it always seemed when it was there this place was invaded with other energy. I feel now the doorway will open to my own divine energy without interference or others agendas.
I sometimes look around thinking this place is not so bad and I can stay here and why not? As I can afford the rent. Once I get this bill sunder control.
I have even entertained the thought of using my income tax return to put money down a home here. Today on my own time I am taking a client to get her hearing aids. During my 3 hour break in clients I will pick her up and drive about 24 miles to get her set up so that she can once again have hearing. Seems when she sets things up to get a ride the person usually bails on her..well that is what she says anyway. So taking matters into my own hands.
My alarm should be going off in about 10 minutes or so. Best shut it off. Cannot think of much more to write although with that statement a rush of other stuff floods my mind. Mainly about a man I have been talking with for some months now. And how I am disappointed in his choices in not to meet and see where we go. Interesting as this person is going into counseling. So they say the healers of the world need the most healing same goes for counselors....

2003-06-02T10:32:00.000-04:00

I sit here with one cat on my lap and the other draped across my shoulder. I am all hunkered down from the weight on my shoulder..for some reason my two younger cats seem to think they need to be by me when i am home basiclaly almost attached to me

2003-06-02T10:31:00.000-04:00

I feel as though i am standing on the shore of a great ocean and knowing there is an impending tidal wave coming to wash away much in my life. Purge me for the sake of this life to grow and move on to further growth and peace and love. However, that may seem drastic that is what is felt at this time. I feel as though the change tha tis ocming in my life will involve more thn i can even fathom. I feel this change will take many by surpise let alone myself. The change will be a 180 degree turn..from the direction i am presnetly heading. IF there is someone out there with a message for me on this please by all means contact me at Scrowolfe@aol.com....even if it is just to say hey lady you are crazy..by all means all comments will be considered....

2003-06-02T10:28:00.000-04:00

By losing my computer i got out of my trailer and went out into the world and socialized with the people in my community native community that is...from there i gain friendships and support. I also gain resources and insight...I had some great meals too...some great conversations. I also have noted that some of the people i had been talking with well I am no longer speaking with them although some of them seem to think i owe them time to talk or take up space in my life..for soem giving subtle and gentle nudges and so forth worked and for others it seems that cannot fathom that they may have only been a part of my life for a reason or jsut a season. So in that they come back and then take from me. How do i feel about this? Well a part of me is indifferent to this. and there is anothe rpart of me that is angry that i did not stand up and say enough is enough. and why have you reniged on our deal?
In closing I found that the phone rang and i was able to talk with another about just nothing and just be in thos emoments i was interrupted twice maybe three times. I think it was evident by the second time i had already said my good byes and funny...I do not believe in good byes, however, in some cases i do......

2003-06-02T10:23:00.000-04:00

When my computer went down a few months back i was not too upset I was able to find other means to communicate with others.....and the other day i received and email and it has a haunting familarility to it. I will let you judge for yourself....

Dear friends,
On Friday evening all information on my hard drive shifted into a dimension that is no longer accessible from where I stand. Everything I created here after late August of last year is "gone".
When this happened I was surprisingly calm and knew immediately that I just had to let go and listen to what was coming next.
Talk about a lesson... first, letting go yet secondary understanding that everything I ever created still exists in my self because it came from me. I does require that I change my approach to that information and use new ways to review it. In my heart I can feel all of those words because I felt them when I met them.

My wonderful, loving computer Goddess, Deborah, swooped in with her magic and changed it so quickly that I am back, with a smile, and with an empty slate that is calling to be created upon.
We had backup from last August so that's where I begin. I know there have been many new people join this list since then. If they are your friends and family I would appreciate you sharing with them and asking them to send an email so they can be returned to my list. Thank you.

Life is so full of change now and many things are passing away. I have been reminded how important it is for us to understand that life moves us to places where some parts of our self seem unavailable. Everything is always available to you, if only energetically. If you are seeking a feeling that you associate to a person or a situation that seems long gone, take a moment and feel it in your heart. If you are willing to let go of the sadness or anger long enough to consider that memory from your heart, you will give yourself an opportunity to revisit those feelings. You can be in all of the love that you remember way back when, and your entire being can benefit from doing this.
We are all one, and all things are always connected to us no matter what. Our perspective of life shifts as we make choices. Other people's choices connect to us because we are one. Like drops of water in an ocean, with strong memories of having been and still being those individual drops. Resisting the whole and welcoming the whole simultaneously.
When something changes to the degree that is seems to be no longer in your world, this is an indicator that perhaps it it time to expand your world. By learning to always remember in your heart that all things still exist on some level, you are now open to also receive at an equally expansive level. When life changes open your heart to feel all of your emotions and those same emotions will support you by translating into intuition.
The word intuition means "Thoughts derived through feelings". When you allow yourself to feel openly, your intuition will seem tremendous. This is what you may have heard termed "Being very connected". We are all capable of being totally connected to all that is. It is only an illusion that you are not. Feeling connected requires a belief that there is an ALL and knowing in your heart that you are a part of it.

Whew, all of that from losing a hard drive. It was truly a gift.

Here's our New Perspective~

"Pick a lesson and learn it today.
Allow your self to be moved by what you realize."

need i say more.......

2003-06-02T07:04:00.000-04:00

wanting to go back to bed right now..but cannot.. thinking i can do this client and then come home and take a nap for about one hour then back out again and then take another nap...

2003-06-02T07:03:00.000-04:00

I have been taking echinacae and golden seal and walnut essence for change, and also drinking a bronchitis and cough tea that tea tends to make me sleep.
Spent the weekend on the couch i did do some clenaing in the trailer and two loads of laundry. And then slept the rest of the time. With breif moments on line. I now work 12 days before i have a day off. I am hoping that the herbs i am taking will get rid of this bronchitis. As I will not get a check this week as I was gone during that pay period. So will have to pay the bills and sit tight on the money i have for two weeks and i have people coming into visit this next coming weekend.

2003-06-02T06:57:00.000-04:00

Woke this morning coughing and wanting to almost puke upon the coughing. I have two clients today one at 7:30 am for one hour and the other at 11 am for two hours and that is it for the day. I am still seeking ot find a place to live. I have had this feleing that my itmes and belongings in this trailer are not safe. Feeling like some will attempt a break in. So, after thinking I usually put sapphire outside while i am gone, i have decided when i am gone i will leave her in the house. Since she really is not a watch dog and htat was proven when the washer dellievery guy came..he wlaked right up to her and petted her. I figure if she is in the trailer and someone attempts to break in she will bark and that will keep them from attempting to break in. Hoping i have taken the action tha tis needed to prevent this coming to manifestation.

2003-06-02T06:53:00.000-04:00

I did not sleep well last night. I kept waking up and looking at the clock wonder how more time i had to sleep. I dreamt many dreams the one that i have recal on, bits and pieces has to do with a giant in the dream. It seemed in one part of the dream they were going to attempt capture or detain it through force. I was in another part of the building...I saw it coming and heard it coming very loud monster like sound. I went to get out of it's view as it looked through some windows. The monster saw me. He then came through the wall. There was like large flour with sugar coated donuts. I grabbed one of them and offered it to the giant. He accepted iw as not afraid of him. He then went into a an alcove and sat and began to eat the donut like food. I then approached with another donut. He accepted it also. He and i began to talk and I found him not to be as large as first thought to be. Other people began to show up I di dnot care for how they behaved. The children especailly. I had grabbed one child and pulled her from going through his personal stuff.
In another part of the dream i was seeking clothing to wear for an interview. I seemed not too concerned in how i would dress for this event. It was 7 oclock and time for me to get readyy for the event. I still had not found the clothing dress clothing it seemed to wear for this. I felt it no big deal and would just go as I am always, comfortable and me.

2003-06-02T06:46:00.000-04:00

I reeived an intersting phone call last night. I was told in this conversation that something may get back to me so this person wanted to clear the air and also tell me before it got back to me. It seems i had been invited to go to pow wow. I had a first accepted the invite. Then later due to being sick and also a renewal of self love and nurturing i decided not to go. Well, it seems the person who invited me wanted to use me as an example to another person about being invited somewhere and they should not feel that they should be able to tag along when ever they wanted. So the two people set up something in front of this other person. It went somethig like this. The male in the equation had to apologize to the female in the situation for inviting me along to go to the pow wow. So anyway, I was used as an example i was told however, I was truly invited, and if i am invited the invitation is real and if i ask to go somewhere and they say yes it is real and if they say no then well. I said well of course doesn't most people ask a yes and no question truly with the thought that the person will say yes and not no? However, I understand that if i ask a question I should not be in a place that will expect a yes and then get a no and be upset. IF we truly want yes then why do we pretend to give that person the option of a answer of yes or no?

2003-06-01T20:21:00.000-04:00

Ok so much has happened again . I was to meet a man that i have been talking with for some months. He had contacted me and we began dialogue. He had set up for us to meet in Missouri. And then hours later i received an email stating that he could not go through with it due to that he cared too much about me and knew he is not in a place to have a relationship. Ok so that failed, now there is Frank who I know will never work, he called and said he would come by today to visit and never has come nor has he phoned to say he was not. I then was contacted by a man north here in indiana. we have talked and he phoned me and then fell a sleep while we were talking well the reason he fell a sleep was due to the fact that he gets up at 1:30 am to go to work. Have not spoke with him a in a couple of days. Then today i am contacted by a 44 year old man that lives in palmer alaska.
Now it is time to allow myself to manifest my love and partner in this life. I have played enough with the ones who think they want a relationship.. i have paid my dues and no longer accepting hello and then good bye..

2003-05-27T21:42:00.000-04:00

ok so i am done eating and got sidetracked and now logging off to get some rest....toodles....

2003-05-27T21:02:00.000-04:00

ok timeout eating my dinner...this is the new me feeding myself and taking care of myself as I would care for a client...if i don't all that i do for them is null and void..unless i do the same for myself...brb

2003-05-27T20:55:00.000-04:00

i found out the dirty little secret why i do not havea man in my life or that why i have certain men come into my life that are not willing nor emotionally able to give love and nurturing to me...want to hear the answer? well you are going to anyway...seems i have no problem loving and nurturing others and caregiving...however, i have a hard time with being loving and nurtuting and caregiving to myself...so then hence i block that and set myself up for relationships with men who by chance want to explore and care.. however, they are attracted to me due to the fact that i am so giving of myself....and some of them take advantage of this and others are aware and address the situation and then blow my mind...and i get hurt....damnit those damn feelings and emotions....

2003-05-27T20:52:00.000-04:00

have you ever attempted to tell people in your life that enough is enough without getting well...aggressive? I have attempted and it seems that some people are not so with it and understand...some people think just because they do what they think i may like it gives them the right to walk all over me....i spoke with an elder on this issue and he says sometimes you just have to say it out hard and blunt for some people are clueless and when you do of course you will have their issues come into your face that how could you be this way cause i did this and i only want the best for you...etc and so forth....damn sometimes this life can really really challenging....

2003-05-27T20:45:00.000-04:00

Coming to you from my home on a computer that was gifted to me. Well, going back and reading my last post....well I will be here another month just paid my rent for june. So much for that plan...however when it is right it will be right and not amoment sooner.
Wow so much has transpired since my last entry...SO MUCH! I will have to do this in installments.. plus my hands are tingling from weed whacking or weed eating the yard and shit only maybe hapfway done ...ran out of gas thank goodness
Let's see I have been working a lot of hours have traveled many miles like 2500 miles this past month maybe more...1500 of those miles was traveling up north for programs and daughters graduation speaking of Christina I have done my hanblechya and also been kissed on the cheek by the same man 5 times now...also went to see the Matrix reloaded on opening day with this same man...my washer died last night..paid rent today for june and now the landlord will need to get into the trailer to get it fixed damn will need to pan this so that I can be here and hide the cats damn I am so busted.. oh well what can they do? kick me out? sure raise my rent I think not
damn my arms are twitching...since i had that sledding accident i cannot handle things that vibrate at rapid speed it sets off my spinal cord nerves into a frenzy...as for work i am getting popular and clients are asking for me...not sure how good this is as now i am working 49 client hours in 4 days that does not include the drive time....I stopped biting my nails and now they drive me nuts with dirt getting under them...need to get a nail brush.....well the mosquito has bit me about 5-6 times today while out whacking the tall tall grass...wow so much i want to say and release in this journal however this will again be a process....getting used to this keyboard and such and this big monitor...i am so blessed with the friends that i have....so blessed!geeez i am shaking....

2003-05-02T16:28:00.000-04:00

Ok coming to you from another home and computer...my computer died about a week ago. Much has happened sinc ethen..one agall bladder attack and change in diet is hapening as we speak. I have also made the decision that I will be moving form the trailer by june 1st...so for thsoe of you who visit this sight put out the prayers that i find my new home real soon...
i resuced a snapping turtle yeaterday a big one.. i ad to throw a blanket over it to get it ou tof the road it was not helping me with it's jaws....plus i had sandals on too...needless to say he is alive an dwell and somewhere in edwardsport in the water...well i will close for now

2003-04-26T18:10:00.000-04:00

my head is going to hit hte keyboard and i think i am going to puke

2003-04-26T17:56:00.000-04:00

I have slept most of the day with the exception of maybe two hours. Ran out of toilet paper early this morning...which sucks when that is a symptom. Ran out to get some and wipes and some soda and crackers...well my chest has been hurting for a couple of days and noticed when i went to the dollar store here in town I was out of breath....so a respitory thing is happening too..damn! took my temperature and it is as of about an hour ago 101.2.. will check in a bit have to wait a while since i am drinking soda...I put a load of wash in my scrubs that was early this monirng have not had the energy to get them out and hang them in bathroom. I would outside but the grass is too high...damn need to have my grass cut, will call steve and gwen and see if i can borrown one of their lawnmowers,, she offered the other day....i will call later maybe i will feel better tomorrow...i was going to stop in at the doctors but his office was closed when I came into town....i still have more nats in my bedroom , i would have a good sleep going and then a f'in ant would crawl on me...i have put down enough bug stuff thinking anyday now.. I will be ant free in my bed.. don't understand these ants they are not in places where food is, they are the tiny ones, hell last night after my initial run to the bathroom i dreamt of a cat that was bright blue marked like a tiger and then big black ant...i gave the blue tiger cat some bug stuff, when i did that it changed into a cat like Petra....in the dream that cat reminded me as i dreamt of the Cheshire cat from alice in wonderland...must have been spiking a high temp...kind of sucks cause i could die here and no one would know i think my employer would call, and probably stop by after getting no answer on the phone for a day or two..by then i am sure the place would have a distinct odor. So much for solitude.. with that thought i should have a piece of paper incase something happens so that my children will be notified and the right people will be called. Don't want...to go down as jane doe

2003-04-26T05:37:00.000-04:00

this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!! it is 4:30 in the morning, i should be sleeping and getting well rested...this f'in sucks!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-04-26T05:35:00.000-04:00

Been a while and not sure how long this entry will be. I have been sick for now 2 hours. Stomach and the lower area of body. Thinking i had a face off with some germs and well, being i am getting older I am thinking or more like feeling i got an ass whooping for sure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke thursday morning to the delightful NOT surprise that someone had dropped off a cat here. It is a beautfiul cat, long gray hair i think it is a female, has a flea collar on with a bell. Of course i fed it and it was hungry...it is rather insistant that it wants to live in the trialer with the rest of us. BUt not happening.
I wne tou an dbought some poison to spray around the permeter of the trailer in and in the trailer. There are still critters in here. And the ants why the hell do they keep showing up in my bedroom, for god's sake there is nothing to eat in there! I think i am going to puke

2003-04-20T09:07:00.000-04:00

The thunder begins to roll across the sky. I find a comfort in the sound and energy that is released. They say if it rains on easter expect to have rain for the next 7 sundays. Well that is what i have heard. The winds blow the branches of the trees. The birds struggle to stay on course. The branches bend, like that of willow. They have become supple. This is how i desire my life to be is to be supple. To bend with the wind of change and not be hard and break under the current of growth, that is disguised by the winds...

2003-04-20T09:02:00.000-04:00

The signs are all posted where ever i travel. The words read "He is Risen"....I say great! I however, ask has Jesus Risen in you?
Jesus was one of the greatest teachers of faith, compassion and love. How many of us hold to that way of being? IN our dealings each day? how many?
For those who go to church this morning. Why are you going? Is it because it is a traditon? Or are you going to celebrate the messages Jesus brought to us? Hmm good question...

2003-04-17T04:20:00.000-04:00

You know i just had a thought maybe it is not the zban but maybe i am going through the change of life? I am old enough...and this is one of the symptoms of MEN O Pause

2003-04-17T04:18:00.000-04:00

Mission was 2/3 successful. No 1/2 and 1/2. And would you know that even this late at night there is activity that one much watch for? On my road on the way out I saw something hopping I slowed down to allow a small frog to cross the gravel road. Then I get up to and on the other road and at the stop sign sits another frog much larger. I then turn down the other road and there are the painted horses. I stopped the van and call to them the neigh back at me. What a life!
It is going on 3:30 this is crazy I am going to attempt to go back to sleep for about 3 hours. Calling on the sandman, come bring me some sand so I may sleep for a bit and be rested for the work day.....

2003-04-17T03:30:00.000-04:00

Ok I am going to get dressed and get some smokes and half and half if they have it. I doubt that they do. Thinking I will come back and do some cleaning. Oh I can get rid of my trash late night mission! woo hoo! Put on all black what the heck make it an adventure. I am out of here.. check back in when I get back....

2003-04-17T03:27:00.000-04:00

It seems as petra has come out of her heat. Thank goodness. The cats are still refrained from my bedroom.,Which makes it stuffy in the room with the door closed. Oh shit I wish i could sleep this is nuts! Why can't I just let go of the cigarettes without having to take drugs! I am not taking anymore zban..I have to get back to normal sleep patterns..
I am at a cross road in decision here. I see a life here in indiana. One where I know I can make a difference. Not only for others but for myself. I am beginning to meet people and starting to like those I meet. I am learning diplomacy, and tact and compassion at levels that well, let's just say this is good. However, I am ready to get out of this trailer. The windows in the trailer are those that crank out. Well, most of them are stripped. So i cannot open the windows and the ones i opened , I can't get them all the way closed. Yes i am looking at all the problems here...heck i don't know it is frickin 2:30 in the morning, I should be sleeping now and working this all out in dream time. Instead of sitting at this keyboard typing away. Now I need cigarettes. Damn means i have to get dressed and drive into town. Shit!

2003-04-17T03:18:00.000-04:00

Ok thinking I need to go to the grocery store. thinking I should get dressed and drive into vincennes to the walmart. However, now pondering that thought, it is raining and well I think it not best to travel these back roads this late at night. Although I am going to have to go out to get smokes. Well that is only a 12 mile round trip, Vincennes is a 53 mile roundtrip. Opting for the shorter one.
yesterday going down my road, there was snake crossing the road, I was going too fast to stop. I ran him over. once I was able to stop I ran back to see about it. Not too much damage. I attempted to help it off the road. Well, it let me know in no certain terms it was very much capable of helping itself. First time i have had a snake strike at me. It was in a strange way exciting yeah yeah i am taking this wilderness lifestyle too far. I know I am not no crocodile hunter, just an animal rescuser. LOL I really should find out what kind of snakes are around these parts cause these snakes are really big ones...they have diamond patterns on their back, dusty brown black.

2003-04-17T03:11:00.000-04:00

I am going to stop taking the zban this is nuts.. It is 2 am and I am wide awake! I have 3 clients tomorrow. So hoping I stay awake for it. Christina called me last night, and we talked for about an hour it was so good to chat with her. I really miss my children. I also told her I am sorry that I am not there with her and for her. She said it was ok. However, really it is not. I told her that i was looking for another place to live here. She said oh you are not coming back? I said well the rent in Illinois is so expensive. So unless something happens, I will not be moving back.
I am tossing back and forth this move to wewoka Ok. There is a part of me that is up for the adventure however, there is this part of me that is beginning for once to have stability in my life. And making a decent check too. Also if I move to oklahoma, it would farther to drive to visit the girls and dylan and also to do programs with jon. So I am thinking that I will stay here. Well that is my thinking for now.

2003-04-17T03:05:00.000-04:00

The rain is coming down in a steady dance. I toss and turn as I listen to the music of the raindrops hitting the top of the trailer. My thorat is sore, Since i have been taking this zban I have had irregular sleep patterns. I was adjusting to the 4 am wake ups, however this waking at 1am is not going to get it. I went to the bathroom, and attempted to go back to sleep. Tossing and turning and then feeling something crawling on my arm. Wiped it off was small so must have a been a ant. So now I am up.
Each day when I come home from work there are wasps in the trailer so this leaves me to believe there is a nest somewhere in this place.
I checked the breaker box and yes the mice have been eating the d-con. Will put down more stuff for the ants in my bedroom.
I looked at another trailer in town yesterday. Nice trailer twice the size of this one, newer and the same amount of money for rent. However, the owner does not want any animals in it. Cannot blame her.
I met one of my clients grandsons last night. He showed up at the clients home while i was giving care. WE talked inbetween what I was doing. He then asked what i had after them if i had any other clients. I said no this is my last of this day. He then invited me out to eat. Said he would pick me up.
The grandmother dismissed me after I put her son to bed and had cleaned everything up. She said go on home and get changed. I attempted to argue with her as I still have 25 more minutes to be there. I left as she instructed. I came home and changed clothes put on jeans and a green cotton top, brushed my teeth and had a cup of coffee. He showed up at almost 6. Driving a s-10 pickup with a cap on the back. I had been thinking before he arrived. You know ladies how men when you first go out with them they open car doors and building doors for you at first then somewhere along the line that stops. Well, I had decided if he went to open the car door, I was going to ask him if and we continue to date will you continue this practice, or will it fade away?
WEll, he did not open my door. So that is good. We talked as he drove into Vincennes. His grandmother had said that his favorite place to eat pizza is Bill bobes. As we got closer to vincennes I said so where are we going, he said bill bobes. I chuckled and he said is something wrong and I said no..your grandmother said that is where you would take me. He laughed. We had already decided on the drive what type of pizza we liked.
The conversation was good, humor and laughter was present. That is a plus. We finished our pizza and then headed back to edwardsport. He owns a 3 bedroom double wide trailer that is 7 years old. He is looking for someone to rent a room. To help defry the cost.He kept bringing it up. I finally took the bait and asked what are you asking for the room, he said 130.00 a month and that includes the utilities. That is reasonable. His grandmother had stated he said that if i needed a place to live i could rent a room from him. Hmm wondering what is happening here. The man is nice and we chewed gum and both opened our window to spit it out after the flavor was gone. I then said to him May i see where your home is? He said sure, I said then you can drop me off at my home as I am tired and go to bed early. WE drove by his home. Nice from what I could see. He asked if he could call this weekend since I am off and we could go mushroom hunting or even four wheeling. So that is where that is. I was not intimately attracted to him. However there is a kinship. A playfulness so this is good. Someone to hang out with now and then..He will be 44 on June 2.

2003-04-15T16:08:00.000-04:00

Now that the season has changed. The woods are greened up and fresh with life. The birds calling out to their mates. The Robins building their nests. The deer on the move. The frogs singing behind the trailer each night. The turkey vultures and black vultures ride the wind currents above my home. Oh to be them to ride the currents, to soar effortlessly.
Last night upon retiring for dreamtime. I looked around my bedroom. And I really like how I have brought this home together. A sadness came upon me and a longing to not leave here. To leave my solitude and become immersed into a family. With the morning hustle and bustle. The compromise of time and space. This is the shift I will be taking. I have be alone so many years aside from my children being home. And this move will definitely challenge me on all levels.
I see the opportunities that are before me in this move. I will no longer have the burden of rent. Only utilities and my necessary items. I could then focus on going back to school and getting my degree in Psych or Nursing.
Both fields I shine in.

2003-04-15T16:05:00.000-04:00

I am in transit to my next client. It is a 24 mile drive. Mainly all ag country. I am about 10 minutes ahead of schedule, must be the tail wind.
I get this feeling that I should turn down Shipping St. That is one of the roads that will take you back to where I live, kind of...
I begin to argue with myself about it. Why take a detour? I can arrive a few minutes early, sit in the van and do much needed paperwork. But then the feeling comes over me again. So I think to myself, well Sapphire is outside and maybe she needs water, as it is 84 out today and it is the wind moon. So I settle in to make the turn. I turn onto Shipping St. I am driving along and picking up some speed. Nice road to open up on. I get about 1 mile on this road and I see something in the road. Oh crap it is a turtle! I am doing my best to straddle the turtle. I stopped the van real quick like. I jumped out of the van, and begin running towards the turtle. All the while I am wondering why am I running? I get to the turtle and it is OK YES!!!!! I pick it up and take it in the direction it was headed, I no sooner picked it up and here came this big ford truck, doing I am thinking at least 60... I quicken to step to the grass. Holding the turtle in my hands I would say she was about 8 inches, box turtle. She poked her head out and looked at me. I swear I heard her say thank you....I walked further into the tall grass. And I almost stepped on another one. I thought hmmmm...I look at the turtles and I said yes, I put her down. She brought her legs out and started walking over to the other turtle. I made sure I put them at a distance as they may fight. If they did well I would have to break it up. Not this case...they greeted each other and then headed towards the river.
I stood there for what seemed a lifetime watching them slowly move to their destination.
I thought to myself how many other people get messages like this? And when they do, do they ignore them?
I am thankful that I listened. Life is filled with wondrous joy.

2003-04-15T16:00:00.000-04:00

Woke at the now normal 4 am, actually 3:55 am. I attempted to persuade myself to go back to sleep. I was not successful in that attempt.
I sit here in my office at my desk facing southwest. To my right is the window and from this window is the moon shining bright. The moon is etched by the trees that stand before her. The wind moon has arrived!
Taking our cares and/or worries and with a breath we gently blow them to the East...The wind moon rises and carries them away. We are then filled with light and joy, knowing even in the darkest of nights there is always light.
Waiting on the sun to rise so that I may hang the clothes I washed this morning. Thinking I do not want to go out back in the dark... naw..
I feel as though I could slumber for about two days. Wondering why I am waking at this time of night or morning? Maybe it is that I am my best either early in the morning or late in to the night when it comes to creative writing.
Looks as though I will volunteer to work this weekend. I know they will be hurting and what the heck I am on call this weekend anyway. I look at this as opportunity to save for the move. And also to help my employer in time of need.
I have officially evicted the cats out of the bedroom. They seem to be handling it well. So far.

2003-04-15T07:21:00.000-04:00

Update, spider nowhere to be seen although there are many others I see up in the corners. So thinking the crevice tool on the sweeper would be a good instrument to remove them. Must remember to throw out the sweeper bag......when done...
We had one lady at work quit...she gave no notice and we have 3 women out sick...so looks like I will continue to work 10-11 hours shifts. It is all good, i really don't do anything anyway, and positive cash flow for the impending move.
I woke this am at 3:55, i attempted to persuade myself to go back to sleep. However, i was unsuccessful. I have done one load of laundry and waiting for the sun to rise...no frickin way i am going out back in the woods to hang them in the dark. nope can't make me do it.
The sun is up now, i had wanted to ramble on more..but will tend to my duties....

2003-04-13T14:44:00.000-04:00

upon closer inspection, what i thought was the spider is not.. the spider is gone, and I don't know where it is!!!!! too many places for it to hide.. great what if it is in my keyboard and comes out on my fingers.. damn I will die for certain of a cardiac arrest!!!!!!!!!! Spider spider where are you??? damnit

2003-04-13T14:39:00.000-04:00

I noticed something today that is becoming more and more evident in my life. I think I am afraid of people..or I dislike people...or I feel suffocated when there are a lot of people..I passed three gas stations with unheard of great gas prices, because there were a lot of vehicles there.. I do this a lot...what is up with this? any suggestions readers?

2003-04-13T14:33:00.000-04:00

update the spider is still there

2003-04-13T14:31:00.000-04:00

I wrote the previous email at 4:30 am this morning. Blog was down. It is a rather long entry, kind of rambles on and on. I got a call this morning and was asked if I could cover a call in. So I did. When i arrived at my clients that I was suppose to be there at 9 am but I was covering the other person. Damn I am making this longer than need be.
Any way I arrived and the client was smiling and I was real happy as this client is real unpredictable. Well, I know now why she was smiling she was proud of her creation. When i headed for the kitchen i stopped dead in my tracks. Before me covering the whole kitchne floor was refrigerator cookie dough. Could see it on the carpet, I walked slowly towards the bathroom.. Yep! that room too, went to her bedroom..yep not as much though.
I came back in to the livingroom she still wearing a smile. I said what happened? She said I don't know...I had to laugh, just like a kid I don't know. I said well it jsut did not get there by itself.. and you know you don't cook on the floor. She laughed and said I know...I had brought her some McDonalds for breakfast,, she likes that..I said well we have to wait to eat I have to clean this up before you can eat. I grabbed the broom and began to clean and all hell broke loose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She called me a bitch and get the f'in out of her house and to leave the stuff alone. She came after me in her wheel chair I was saying listen you can't keep this on the floor, she yelled don't throw it away!!!! I said i have to it is on the floor and you know the rule it hits the floor and it goes in the trash....she started screaming at me you better not throw that away!!!! You bitch i will kick your ass you bitch!!!!! At this point I said in a calm voice calling her by her name and saying look at me...the cookie dough is no good now that it is on the floor, and look at it there are ants in it. She screamed i don't care!!!!!! at that point i am thinking you know what I don't either. Then i looked out the kitchen window and there was a robin and a cardinal. I took a deep breath and then I thought this is not her this person this is her disease that she has, and this is not personal Sarah. Remain calm and do what is necessary for her best interest. And yes I do care.... I turned to her and said I am sorry i have to sweep this up, she would not look at me she called me a f'in bitch and to get out of her house. I said well when i am done cleaning up I will leave, but not until then...She began to cry as I scrubbed the dry cookie dough off of the floor. She sobbed the whole time i was there 2 hours and it took 2 hours to clean the place and then chart the event. As I was leaving I reminded her that her mc donalds was on the table...I then told her who would be there in 2 hours....and maybe she would take a shower for her....I then walked out the door.. now I am waiting to go to my next clients home...

2003-04-13T14:14:00.000-04:00

Well, the blog is down so I am emailing my writing to myself to put in later. I had a topic all ready till I looked din the mirror here at my computer and saw this spider climbing up a web. The web is attached to a piece of paper that is taped on my mirror that says Money in the Bank.
He/She is now just sitting there. I am thinking do I evict this spider. Or ask this spider to work with me to weave the web of prosperity? Hmm tough question will get back to that.
Now for some more home invader information. Petra and Star Star, have been lately pay a lot of attention to my circuit breaker box that hangs on my hallway wall.
Well, being this is the hallway that the Brown recluse was traveling, I had given thought that maybe there was a nest in there of them. So I carefully opened the box. Damn! There before my eyes was mice turds! Not good! Mice like to chew wires. I know this for a fact as I have lost phone service up north too many times to count due to mice getting in the box and making nests.
So what am I to do?
How long have they been there not sure. But if they chew through some wires or just a little I could have a fire hazard here. So I did the deed and bought some d-con. I placed it into the box and hoping they all go to heaven.
Update on the spider well it is our of sight but I know it is behind the paper on the mirror. I am perplexed as to what to do..opps there it is again..looking at me..it is amazing I am a billion times larger than it and that little spider does I must admit strike fear in me. What do I do? Well, it has now traveled to the other piece of paper that reads Power of Positive thinking..hmmmmmm he is a small spider with real long front legs longer than the rest of its legs.. reddish brown in color.. now it is hiding under the paper. I wonder how long it has been there? He could have been there since right after I put that up and I did not know cause he stayed out of sight under the paper. Well, I cannot see him anymore. And I know he did not go very far....
I am working today two clients each one 2 hours. First one from 9-11 and the second 3:30-5:30. So I have a gap there to get some things done or just come home and sit in the sun which I think is a good plan.
I still have some feng shui redoing to do. And some laundry. I have some on the lines right now. Figure they will be dry by the time I get home.
Well, I think I have committed to Wewoka Oklahoma. You say you think. Well, the plan is all on contingency that Cyn sells her house. So I will continue to work and pay my bills and do what I need to do. And when it comes time I will then once again purge my belongings in my wopila for my healing ceremony. All works well.
Petra is in heat again. Next paycheck will get them fixed. Update Spider still not visible!

So what else is going on? Hmm well, one of my clients is trying to fix me up with her grandson.. he is 40 something, for the roads department. One of the other CNA I work with 3 days a week is telling me he is a nice man and good looking. Then at a meeting this week, One of the homemakers said that he is interested in me and has heard much form his grandmother about me. She asked me if I play cards I said well yes have not in years. She said well he comes over and we play cards how about if you come and play cards with us. I said hesitantly ok.
Well, later today I will be at his grandmother's home taking care of her 64 year old son who has CP. And I love this man he is so sweet and grateful...So I am sure she will be pulling out her pictures of him...The CNA I work with 3 days a week goes to the grandmothers home 5 days a week. And she was asking do you know when Sarah will be coming again. LOL So that is the excitement in my life, well besides the home invaders.
Update on the ants...I got some more stuff to give them to send them to their little ant heaven...well they are deciding to die on my bed!!!!!!Arrrghhhh, I guess it is a fair trade off. I suppose.
Update Spider still out of sight! Actually if I look up under the paper I can see that it is under the word positive. So in that I am going to allow this one to live..and focus positive thoughts towards it.
I just tried to log onto blogger again web sight not responding. So not sure how long it will be before I publish this.
I went to bed at 8:30 last night. Of course at 12:36 am Sapphire woke me howling outside. So I got up and brought her in. And went back to bed. Also I shut the cats out of my room last night. They were driving me nuts,..running across me and all that. So I got up kicked them all out and shut the door. I think about an hour has passed and someone was scratching at the door. Note to self time to declaw also.
I have been up since 4 am seems to be the theme here lately. My dreams have been very active and vivid and also lucid. I also dreamt of a relationship last night. And in this dream we actually had sex. At first he was ready then as it presented itself he fell short but said something and all was ready. I know I know TMI. IN this dream also I decided to perm my hair. The perm turned out terrible, as all perms do with my hair. Seems Cyn was in the dream and gave me this tool that all you do is comb it through your hair, and it cuts the bad stuff out. SO i started doing that. My bangs were getting shorter and I could see my hair would be shorter than I want...But I kept doing that comb thing till all the frizz was gone.
Update spider still out of sight!
Also in the dream the I was to do a presentation. There seemed to be some mix up. I then decided I would do what I wanted to, and I said I will go back home and get this picture I took here in the woods referring to where I now live and also a real picture I have that is my favorite. And I will show this picture and share the story. Although in conscious life there really is no story yet. The man I was with was walking with me he was behind me and had his arms wrapped around me, we came to a car and I could see that is was packed full of stuff. He was going to get something from the car. He knew the owners and said they would not mind. Then a school bus pulled up and the owners to the car was there. A group of young people. Well, maybe in their early 20"s maybe late 20's. Next thing I was at Gwen's and then I woke up...I am taking Zyban to help me let go of the smokes. usually my dreams are more focused and I have noticed since taking this med.. they are like all over the place....

2003-04-12T07:08:00.000-04:00

Once again the words spill forth from the thoughts that swirl through this head and heart. They land on the page like that of Goose landing on the glistening mirror that is the page. Breaking the page, causing a stir. The words ripple out to those who are near. For some they topple their vessel of choice, and for others they bring the gentle rocking. A rocking that is akin to being held in the arms of someone who loves you, singing you that lullabye.....
Sarah Crow Wolf Hartfield 4/11/03

2003-04-12T06:23:00.000-04:00

I normally do not put my night time dreams in here. However, the two kittens/cats woke me, I figured i best get up and write these dreams down...so here they are:
I was at a place that was not my town and I was meeting a man, It was like a pub scene. I was standing at the bar thinking what am i doing here? And I only had like 2 dollars and some change {which is interesting as that is exactly what i remember counting when i went to bed.. actual money I have} I was debating whether or not to get a soda while waiting for this person. Then this well dressed man comes up to me and whispers in my ear, I 'll take a bacardi and coke. I stood there thinking what? He was standing on my right side...I siad sorry however I am waiting on he did not let me finish he said you are waiting on Porter I am him. I am Porter...I was dumbfounded nice looking man..dressed well thining hair kind of long past the shoulders, he was well groomed. IN comparision to me who had on jeans and top. Next thing the barmaid is talking with him and then she has this bowl of candy hard candy and they are both looking at it she has long blonde hair kind of a monica lewinsky type hair. She then all of sudden has this cape on. She is hoovering over th ebowl and saying something like The wizard is here and sees all something like that, I know she said Wizard, Porter was drawn into and participating. I looked at them and htere was a man at the door and I headed fo r the door. I was walking down this like street alley way. Thinking about being single and not having a partner and why is that I can't be like some people, out going and full of it. Why can't I wear makeup, do up my hair and have fancy nails. I was walking along, and poof right there in front of me sitting on something not sure what...I want to say a cloud was a man I knoe but it was not him.. he is a twin. he and his brother are very nice looking and good people. It was him only in the sense that he was the twin...{now for those of you that know or believe in twin flames, soul mates this is the reference} WE looked at each other, we said at the same time i have been looking for you, and we kissed. My goodness that kiss IS THEE KISS! Once we parted lips he looked at me and said I have always loved you and love you now. I siad with tears of joy I love you and will always love you. He said then go get ready we will marry. Then poof I was in a different setting and I was walking through what seem a maze of buildings with steps. My good Friend HAwk was there and seh seemed ot be guiding me. {which is so ever fitting she is a 4time over virgo very methodical in all approaches to life in planning} I wasn't sure which door to take to get to our room. She took a door that I thought was not right, however, I followed her. WE went up some steps the stairwell was glass incased I could see people by the pool. We traveled up one flight of stairs. We then came out a door. there were some people around in the hallway. They paid no attention to us. Next thing I know we are outside...And she and I have fallen and we both are muddy, seems my butt has mudd all over it. WE head back into the hotel/motel/apartments. I now have a baby. ANd Hawk is talking about that she has to go to work and it seems now i am in florida. The baby is toddler stage. WE are playing with the baby. I tell the baby it is time to sleep rest up for our journey back home. I ask hawk if I could leave the baby there while she sleeps and I will be back need to go get my twin. She says ok. I go back out the place and see him standing by the car. He is tall, handsome, and ever so gentle in appearance. He has on washed out jeans clean ones. He smiles and my whole inside lights up. He said are you ready my love my twin? I look back at the hotel/apartment and say Yes! It was then the cats woke me up. I wanted to go back to sleep and finish the dream but they had other plans for me..

2003-04-10T09:36:00.000-04:00

My bed is now in the relationship corner with the ants and the medicine for the ants...how symbolic is that? lol moved a few other things around the trailer.. I think I finally have all pictures on the wall at the same time! Wow now that is progress..it is only 8:30 in the morning..this is nuts, i mean nuts I have been up since 3 am....and i should be tired..from all the work i have done...but no i feel anxious....at times paranoid...of what not sure...lol I want to sleep but the ants are there...i did my time with ants on the hill...they covered me and those were big black ants the ones that bite! Well that would be another side affect...hmmmm this is adding up....help me help me please.....i am cold...what happen to the warmer temperatures....what a tease!